Pride & Opinions

[yawns, stretches] All right, so I skipped the P&O Weekend Edition this past weekend, and you got stuck with that lovely article on sexual hygiene for a few extra days. My apologies, but when you work three jobs plus editing a novel on the side and spend most of your time high on caffeine while somehow managing a lovely combination of “deadpan” and “perpetually pissed off” (it’s all the rage this season, what all the boys are wearing), sometimes you’ve got to take a weekend for a little downtime.

So pass the coffee, happy Monday, and if you can trust me to give advice before the French roast kicks in, let’s do this sh…stuff.

Dear Adri,

I have loads of photos of women on my computer and sometimes fantasise about being with one but I don’t like any in real life. Do you think I might be lesbian or maybe bi?

Signed,
Questioning teenager

Um.

…….

Okay then.

My first thought when I read this was, “this is someone’s kid, they’re underaged - I can’t give them advice about their sexual fantasies!” I’ve had a few more bracing gulps of the triple-black Doom Coffee now, though, and I think I can handle this.

The answer is no, those things don’t automatically mean that you’re a lesbian, or bisexual. They don’t mean that you aren’t, either.

Right now you’re a walking pile of seething, awakening hormones and anything involving sex with a male, a female, or possibly even an inanimate object is going to turn you on. The teenage years are a confusing time to try to define your sexuality, and while some can say “Yes, I know I’m gay/lesbian/born in the wrong gender’s body” in high school or earlier, for the most part it’s quite difficult to make that determination when your hormones are scrambling your brain to hell and back.

Plenty of people who later in life grow quite certain of their heterosexuality still experiment in their teenage years, even as far into college. Women are statistically known to be more prone to same-sex experimentation than men, and yet despite kissing a few dozen girls, will often decide “Nah, I’m straight” and settle into heterosexual life without feeling a single spark of interest towards another woman for the rest of their lives.

For many others, though, those moments of experimentation are the defining points of their lives: the moment when they realize that they’re happy with women alone, or equally content with both women and men. I don’t advise that you run about shagging a small test population of both genders to find out; if there aren’t any girls that you’re interested in, odds are that your fantasies are just that: fantasies that wouldn’t reflect well in reality.

Then again, it could be that there’s no one around you on a regular basis who happens to be your type - and if you do meet a girl that you’re into, and she returns your interest and and consents: don’t be afraid, or ashamed, to try things out. You’re confused now, and you’ll never know until you try. Don’t force anything; you’ll just make yourself and her miserable. But if you’re given the chance, and you really want to…don’t hold back. It’s all right to do a little experimentation while you get yourself sorted out, as long as you aren’t sleeping around indiscriminately and having unsafe sex. Kiss a girl or two. Try to avoid anything that qualifies as foreplay or beyond until you’re older.

Remember, though, that even if you never do anything…thoughts like yours are perfectly normal, and nothing to be worried about. They’re a natural part of adolescent development, and whichever way you end up leaning, it’s perfectly fine to just wonder sometimes. You don’t even have to call yourself straight, lesbian, or bisexual. You’re attracted to whomever you’re attracted to, regardless of their gender or yours.

That should be enough for anyone, and labels be damned.

Ambiguously yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

And for today’s P.S.: I don’t like Archbishop Bagnasco, obviously. I’d love to give him a good tongue-lashing simply because he’s got so much to say about just who I enjoy…er…lashing with my tongue. It’s not his business what I do in my bedroom, other than to grant me the same rights with a husband that I might have with a wife…but come on, people, this is going too far. A bullet in an envelope? Now you know one of us had something to do with that, because it’s got “drama queen” written all over it. Come on. You really think a bullet in an envelope is going to make him stop and think, “Now hey, those gays are some nice, upstanding people just like everyone else! I really should stop shooting off that sewer hose I call my mouth about them!”

Pfft.

Oh well. At least it’s nice to see one religious leader who’s managed to avoid coming down with rectal-cranial inversion.

ask adri, teenage sexuality, gay and questioning, lesbian fantasies, coming out, archbishop bagnasco, angelo bagnasco, gay marriage, gay rights, gay civil unions, reverend gene robinson, new hampshire

We’re skipping the Friday Ask Adri column today, because I’d like to discuss something else. It’s something a little twitchy, something best left unspoken in polite company, and something that I’m going to address anyway, thank you very much:

Rimming, also known as anilingus.

If you stop reading now, I won’t blame you. This is a sensitive topic for various reasons and you know, some people just don’t want to see certain aspects of sex discussed openly, gay or otherwise. Walk on, kiddos, and check back later when the P&O Weekend Edition has pushed this post a little further down the page.

For those of you still around, whether out of interest or a bad case of train-wreck syndrome: this actually came up in conversation at about two o’clock this morning, talking about sex and relationships with a friend over some nasty but bracing coffee at the House of Pies down the street from my place. We were talking about exes, a topic that we’ve both had plenty of fodder for since we both recently broke up with our long-term boyfriends and I’ve had an older ex-boyfriend reappear out of the blue to send my emotional radar spiraling wildly out of control.

Naturally, when comparing exes, we’re going to talk about what he was like in bed. You know you do it, too; don’t look at me that way. I’m serious. I can purse up my lips and give you disapproving looks right back, and probably do it better than you can. Don’t mess with a boy when he’s feeling catty.

Aaaaanyway. As my friend was detailing his sexual exploits, he ended a particularly sordid tale with, “…and he always wanted me to - you know!”

“I know? I’m sorry, did this craptacular coffee make me clairvoyant and I missed the memo?”

“…you know. With my tongue. There.”

“Oh? OH. …………ewwwwwww.”

Despite what you may have come to believe about gay sex from watching porn (and then swearing you got it for “a friend”), rimming does not take place every time two men engage in intercourse with one another. Let’s face it, sex for any gender and any sexuality is a tricky thing when nature designed us with the playground and the sewers so firmly entrenched next to one another. Sanitation is always an issue, but it’s an especially sensitive one for gay men.

We might as well be blunt: we like to put things into a place that things normally come out of. In particular, things that the majority of us don’t particularly want to come in contact with. No matter how clean your partner keeps his nether regions, the anus is still a scary place…and honestly, it frightens me just how many of my past sexual partners have been willing to slide their tongues around there without even insisting on a good cleaning first.

Am I the only gay man grossed out by this? (All right, I know I’m not, my friend is as well…but we seem to be a small minority.) A penis can be protected by a condom, a finger by a latex glove, but I can’t exactly see someone sticking their tongue into a ziplock bag before they go diving in for a little lick. Frankly, I don’t want that in my mouth, and I don’t want it done to me; whatever pleasure might be derived from it is wholly overridden by the fact that I’m completely disgusted by the idea.

And yet past partners have actually been both surprised and insulted that not only did I not want it done to me, but I wasn’t willing to do it to them, either. I am by no means a prude; if you want to be adventurous in bed I’m your man, but asking me to have a nibble at the backdoor is where I draw the line. This doesn’t just involve the personal squick-factor. This is a matter of personal health and safety. Any number of bacteria and other offensive particles can be found in the anus, and I find it hard to think sexy when I think of licking a big steaming plate of e. coli. It’s bad enough that syphilis rates among gay and bisexual men are on the rise; do we really want to voluntarily risk our health any more?

There’s sexy and then there’s unsanitary, and I refuse to cross the line no matter how many times I’ve been pressured on it. What I wonder is how many men rim even when they’re bothered by the sanitation factor, for whatever reason - because they feel they have to to please a partner, because they think they might lose someone if they don’t, or because it’s considered common and therefore they think they shouldn’t have a problem with it. Hell, I even wonder if I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe it’s not so bad and I’m just being fussy and frigid.

Or maybe not.

So I’m asking you to weigh in - and not just the boys, either. Everyone. What do you think? Will you, or won’t you? Would you do it because you wanted to, or because you felt obligated? Have you felt pressure to do it in the past, or feel pressure to do it now?

Where do you stand on the matter of sexy vs. unsanitary?

Hygienically yours,
~Adri

P.S. In case you weren’t paying attention to the news yesterday, by the way: way to go, New Hampshire, and shame on you, Indianapolis.

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Actually, hundreds of years is a bit of an understatement. Try thousands, as evidenced by studies of homosexuality in ancient Greek society and recorded traditions of many other cultures, including the two-spirit traditions of many Native tribes of North America. The histories of many cultures point to times when gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders were out, proud, and commonly accepted as a part of normal society. It’s only in recent centuries that our little sub-cultural corner of society has been swept under the rug with more and more aggressive prejudice, but that doesn’t mean that we went willingly into the closet without a fight.

Ancient text shows ‘gay activist’ - BBC News

The battle for gay rights may have been fought more than two centuries before the UK legalisation of homosexuality.

The 18th Century writings of Thomas Cannon, believed to be one of the first gay activists, have been found by a University of Manchester academic.

They were contained in a handwritten scroll indicting the printer of his 1749 work “Ancient And Modern Pederasty Investigated And Exemplified”. [...] The indictment suggests the book was an anthology of stories and philosophical texts in defence of male homosexuality.

The article moves on to quote passages from the scroll, and call it “the first substantial treatment of homosexuality ever in English” - as opposed to other recorded texts up to that time period and beyond, which discussed homosexuality (and the punishments for it) with a distinctly phobic slant.

It really makes you stop and think about how far we’ve come, and how long it’s taken. In the U.S. and various other countries we’re still fighting for the right to be recognized as equal citizens, but we rarely have to worry that we’ll actually be punished under the law for our sexuality - even in the few backwards states that still have outdated laws against same-sex intercourse on the books. We can say we’re gay in public and while it might ruffle a few feathers, it’s not a real taboo. In some places we can even marry our chosen partners and the law must recognize that union. We’re no longer swept under the rug, and over years of struggle we are fighting our way out of the closet and into the light. It isn’t perfect, but it’s progress, and I’m glad that I live in an era that allows me to see said progress.

At the same time it’s a frightening reminder that the world that Cannon lived in still exists in many countries today. Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Iran, and many other countries still enforce the death penalty for acts of homosexuality. Other countries define homosexuality as a criminal act punishable under the law, even if not with death. In those countries, homosexuals may not be able to even make a peaceful stand for their rights without fearing for life and livelihood. They may be deprived of any form of democratic process that would allow them to elect officials who might be concerned with their rights and freedoms.

They are, in essence, trapped. They don’t have the right to free speech that I, as an American, take for granted until someone dares to even imply that it might be taken away from me. They don’t have the right to due process of the law, or protection under the law. They fear the law in ways that I can’t even begin to understand, because I’ve never experienced it. I speak out for gay rights; I openly demand that we be given the same recognition and validity as heterosexuals - but I’m too sheltered by my environment to truly know what that might mean for someone in a more dire situation. Realizing that puts my own struggle into a different perspective.

Yes, I know fear. I know the fear that comes from being threatened for being who and what I am - threatened with vandalism, with physical violence, with death. But those are fears born of specific incidents; fears that fade with time and the light of day, and with the knowledge that even in a country split by personal feelings towards gay rights I am protected from those threats as a human being. Fear of the law’s retribution would stymie most who might otherwise attack me for being who I am.

I know the fear of losing friends to homophobia; the fear that being out will cost me a job one day; the fear that family will reject me, turn me aside for saying those oft-dreaded words: “I’m gay.”

I don’t know the sort of fear that others in less free countries live with day to day. The fear that if they were to even whisper their thoughts, they might not live to see another day.

I don’t envy them that. I do respect them, and wish that I could do more to support them - people that I don’t know by name or by face, people that I’ll never meet and yet that I still consider brothers and sisters united under a single rainbow flag.

Maybe there’s another Thomas Cannon hidden somewhere, waiting for the chance to express himself, waiting for his moment to be brave, his moment to shine…his chance to make a difference.

Maybe this time he’ll have more success.

Thomas Cannon, gay activists, gay activism, gay rights, gay freedoms, death penalty for homosexuality, criminal homosexuality, gay history

Dear Adri..

I’ve been having this recurring dream where I’m running naked through the forest and I’m attacked by a bear. Only I’m not attacked; the bear actually seduces me and then the bear and I get intimate.

My question is this: the bear is a woman. Does this make me a lesbian?

No, it makes you someone in need of heavy medication. See a doctor, and don’t ever write to me again.

I kid, really. That one was submitted by another 451 blogger as a joke, and I thought you guys might get a little giggle out of it. Now on to the real one:

Dear Adri,

My best friend is a gay male and we have a long history together. Now my new husband is jealous of our relationship. How do I handle this?

Well, you could always drag him to a few Scissor Sisters concerts - apparently that’s all it took for this guy to happily try to foist his wife-to-be off on any queer who’d take her, so after that he’d be quite content for your friend to monopolize your time.

Your husband is probably jealous because he feels that your friend is giving you something that he can’t. Even though you aren’t in a romantic relationship with your friend and the likelihood of one happening is practically nil, there’s still that sense of competition from another man that just drives the alpha male in 99% of men insane - especially when the alpha male is new to the pack and not yet sure of his footing. You and your friend probably have a dozen inside jokes that your husband doesn’t get, or fond memories to reminisce over, stories to tell that he wasn’t involved in. He probably feels like the new kid at school, trying to find somewhere to fit in at lunch where all the tables are packed with cliques…with no room for him.

The good news is that it’s likely a phase that won’t last. He just needs a bit of time to get settled into things, and a little reassurance from you will go a long way. Just remind him that he is your husband and your friend is…well…your friend, and the two roles aren’t really comparable. It’s apples and oranges, to use the old adage. Yes, your friend is going to be able to give you things your husband can’t - things like platonic male companionship, or a man who shares interests with you that your husband doesn’t, whether it’s Broadway musicals or just the same tastes in hot actors. But remind your husband that he also gives you things that your friend can’t or doesn’t - and no, I don’t just mean your hot stanky hetero lovin’….er, I mean your no doubt passionate sex life. Just as your friend understands you in ways your husband can’t, no doubt your husband understands you in ways that your friend can’t. Remind him of those ways; remind him of the role that he fills in your life, and how important he is to you. Remind him that he has worth, and that he can’t be replaced by a best-friend-turned-platonic-lifemate.

Also remind him that if his jealousy gets out of control, he’ll be sleeping on the couch for a month and you may end up snatching a knot in his skull, or somewhere more uncomfortable.

Hopefully it won’t get to that point. Male jealousy can be an ugly thing; we’re competitive creatures who often have to be first in everything, including in the lives of our mates. As much as I hate to admit it, we sometimes need our egos stroked and soothed, kind of like how sometimes a woman needs to be reminded that she’s pretty even when she knows she’s drop-dead gorgeous. Don’t butter him up so much that he could skid down a sidewalk like a Slip-n-Slide, but find subtle ways to remind him that he matters to you. If he’s jealous of your inside jokes with your friend, tease him at some point about your own inside jokes with him. If he gets sulky over some fond memory shared with your friend, do something sweet to remind him of some special moment that the two of you shared. I know it seems like a bit of sop and the kind of thing that most men wouldn’t like with our aggressively anti-sop assertions, but if he’s showing jealousy, then trust me…he needs that sop, even if he’d never admit it. Give him what he needs, but don’t rub his nose in it; it’ll just reverse the positive effects of your attention.

At the same time, only coddle him up to a certain point. In an ideal situation, after a short while and with a little extra attention he’ll settle down. If he starts being unnecessarily rude or aggressive to your friend, or confrontational with you, you’ll have to draw the line. There’s no point in coddling bad behavior, and you’d do well to cut it off early before it gets out of control and escalates into a fight that may take ages to recover from, and that will turn into an issue that will affect all three of you whenever you want to spend time with your friend. If this really does become a bone of serious contention, then try to talk to your husband; lay down the law, and make him understand that you have a right to spend time with your friend, and that doesn’t mean that you love him any less. He will have to adjust to that, one way or another. Explain to him that he can do it two ways: with your help and understanding, or without.

Hopefully he’ll make the right choice.

Platonically yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay best friend, straight marriage with gay friends, jealous husband

Good morning, and welcome back to the world of internet news and opinions, where the private lives of public figures become fodder for the sordid gossip mill. Case in point: guess who’s back in the news? Former NJ governor McGreevey and his wife, with two very different stances on a horse that’s been beaten to death an old and familiar issue:

McGreevy says wife knew he was gay - AP via Yahoo News

TRENTON, N.J. - The estranged wife of former New Jersey Gov. James E. McGreevey knew he was gay before they married, he claimed in court papers filed Monday.

McGreevey wrote that Dina Matos McGreevy “knew of my sexual orientation before our marriage, she chose to either ignore it or block it out of her mind, even when questioned by her friends.”

The former governor doesn’t detail how she knew he was gay, but objects to his wife’s contention in recent court papers that he is bisexual.

Uh…huh. Anyone else want to play “What’s wrong with these statements”? Talk about a marriage of convenience. It’s one thing to be closeted and to marry and try to live a heterosexual life out of a desire to meet some standard of apple-pie-perfect life; hundreds, maybe even thousands of gay men live with this every day, and while it’s not wholly right…it sure as hell isn’t telling the woman that you’re gay and then marrying her anyway. Why would anyone do that? For the sake of politics and appealing to the voters? Gods, I hope not.

Then again…if your ex-husband says he’s gay, don’t publicly argue that he’s bisexual, either. Yes, he managed to conceive a child with her, meaning he obviously engaged in heterosexual intercourse. Again: closeted gay men do it every day. It doesn’t mean he’s not gay. It means he did what he had to do, and she’s in denial. It’s a hard phase to go through after something like this, and she’d be understandably hurt and shocked, but she’s had enough time to move on and stop dragging this (and their poor child) through the mud:

Gay Ex-Gov’s Wife Fires Back - CBS News
Dina Matos McGreevey Says She Thought Their Marriage Was Solid, Had No Idea He Was Gay

[...] Matos McGreevey also wrote that she thought their marriage was solid — “The sex was good,” she writes — and had worries only about her husband’s secretive calls and visits to his first wife and daughter — until he summoned her to the governor’s mansion three days before he told the world he was gay.

Skipping over the rest of the claims made in the second article (that’s a lot of mud-slinging and too much drama even for a boy like me)…somethin’ ain’t addin’ up here.

Stylized and improper use of the English language aside, either she knew he was gay or she didn’t. Frankly to me both sides of the story stink; why would she marry him if he’d told her he was gay? But can her vicious backlash be believed when it paints a respected public figure as a vile demon while she’s a martyred victim - despite denials of the claims in her memoirs by several of the individuals involved? Dinah Matos McGreevy’s actions stink of vengeful bitterness more than they ring with revealed truth, and rather than rouse sympathy for her instead make me shake my head in pity and disgust. Not that I’m blindly taking the side of McGreevey himself; I doubt the man’s the honest saint he’s trying to pretend to be, and even if he did tell her that he was gay and then marry her…that’s a pretty jerky thing to do.

And in the middle of this is little Jacqueline. Her life is never going to be the same after this, and she’s never going to escape it. That’s the issue that really bothers me here. (Yes, I’m pulling out the tired old “but won’t you think of the children?!” argument here, and I don’t even like kids. At all. I just feel really bad for the poor little tyke.)

I want to blame her mother more for making this even more of a gory media spectacle than it had to be, but really, both parents need a swift slap upside the head. They should be spending less time concerned about their public images or about victory against each other and more time really worrying about the welfare of their child. Forget the tawdry stories and allegations unless you have actual proof, and work out the best way for both of them to remain in the child’s life so that she can still grow up loved, balanced, and stable…

…and not bitter from being used as a bargaining piece.

governor james mcgreevey, james mcgreevey, dinah matos, dinah matos mcgreevey, mcgreevey, matos, gay nj governor, gay new jersey governor, jacqueline mcgreevey, coming out, silent partner, cipel, golan cipel

Dear Adri:

I’ve been friends with this girl for several years now. She’s on the verge of graduating high school, and since we met, I’ve watched her go from being a very shy and awkward little girl to being a self-confident, mostly outgoing young woman. She’s the sister I never had, in many ways, and I love her dearly.

The only problem? She’s been driving me frickin’ -insane- the past few months. She met a guy through a friend who graduated last year, and now all she can talk about is him. “J this” and “J that”. She’s been putting her grades at risk by staying up way too late every night to talk to J. She has freely admitted her infatuation with him, and how she’s jealous of his other relationships…with men. J is gay.

He’s also leading her on, big time. My friend is head-over-heels for J, and he knows it - which he used to get oral sex from her when she visited him and his friend at their uni last weekend. I guess he’s bisexual when it’s to his personal benefit, though all of his networking profiles have the word “gay” about every three sentences. Anyway, my point is, she’s driving me crazy with this shit. I know that infatuations can happen for no rhyme or reason…but she’s also being totally unrealistic. Her greatest wish is for J to suddenly turn straight.

Now, me, I’m fairly realistic, and I’ve told her in varying ways and with various degrees of tact that she doesn’t have a chance with him, and he’s not just going to start dating her just because she gave him [oral]. But apparently, that makes me “a mean [b****]“.

How can I handle this situation? I’d frankly like to keep doing what I’ve -been- doing and change the subject when J comes up, but she’s started floating away from reality and really needs to be brought back down to earth.

Well, thanks for reading it, at least.

Signed,
Whatever happened to just being a happy fag hag?

First: I didn’t know happy fag hags existed.

Second: Damn, girl. I didn’t need your life story. You talk more than I do, and that’s sayin’ a lot.

Third: Only answer I’ve got for you is to mind your own business. Seriously. J’s not gay, J’s a horny a**hole who’s only gay when it’s convenient to get away from girls like your friend, and bi when he wants them on their knees. The problem isn’t that he’s gay and she’s waiting unrealistically for him to turn straight. It has nothing to do with his sexuality at all; it has to do with the fact that he’s a self-serving jerk who leads people on. You’ll find ‘em everywhere - male, female, gay, straight, bi, etc. He could “turn straight” and he’d still be treating her the same way.

It’s not your problem. Your friend’s an idiot. You said your piece, and later when she gets burned and comes crying to you, you can say “I told you so” even while being a good friend and patting her on the back. You can’t force her to act sensibly, though. If talking to her doesn’t bring her back down to earth, then there’s nothing else that you can do and honestly? If you try to be proactive, in the end you’re going to get screwed over. I’ve seen it happen too many times; whatever efforts you take will, in the end, be blamed for the other person’s unhappiness…rather than their own idiotic decisions. Then she’ll stop being like the sister you never had and start being the person who hates you just for trying to help. Seriously. She’s already calling you a mean b**** for being blunt with her. What do you think is going to happen if you do anything more? Even if you “save her from herself”, as the saying goes…do you really think it’s going to turn out well when she turns on you? Do you think she’s going to appreciate it?

Step back. Mind your own business. Let them be responsible for their own crash and burn, but be there to help pick up the pieces when it’s over; sometimes people (especially teenagers, and man, why is she giving this guy oral when she’s not even out of high school yet?) only learn by experience, and it sounds as if she’s not going to figure out the problem with this situation until she’s already hurt herself and gotten over it. If you’re happy with changing the subject, why are you worrying about this? You did the right thing in advising against it, now stop trying to be Mother Theresa and fixing the world’s problems. You might want to focus on a few of your own first.

And J, if you’re out there? Stop being a dick.

Speaking as one with his own issues,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

P.S. Completely off-topic from the original subject of the post, but….dear CNN: if “she” is FtM, then “she” would be “he”, thank you very much. Likewise “her” and “hers” would be “his”, and he would probably appreciate being referred to as Tony and not by anything else. It may be a novel concept to grasp, but I’d think showing that small bit of respect would be fairly easy for a CNN reporter. At the very least do a better job of explaining it and set a better example.

P.P.S. This definitely has nothing to do with the original topic of this post, but if I seem distracted this week, blame it on the PS2. Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus and Vincent Valentine have claimed my soul for the next few days. Why yes, I am a game geek. Why does that surprise you?

Ask Adri, fag hag, advice, relationships, gay/straight relationships, Cinthia Covarrubias, Tony Covarrubias, FtM, transgender, prom king, Fresno, Fresno High School

You know, I just came home from an absolutely delightful film (Hot Fuzz, a hilarious piece of satire - and could the subtext between Nicholas and Danny be any more blatant?) and settled down to surf the news channels before sousing off to spoil myself with a new video game (yes, I’m from that generation)…when I ran across something that just made me froth at the mouth in indignation at the amount of disrespect involved.

Group Plans to Picket Va. Tech Funerals - CBS News

The families of those killed in the Virginia Tech massacre may not be able to grieve in peace at the funerals of those they lost. An anti-gay religious group known for protesting at the funerals of American soldiers killed in Iraq is planning on appearing at services for those killed on Monday as well. [...]The organization, founded and led by Fred Phelps, believes the United States has condemned itself to destruction by accepting homosexuality and other “sins of the flesh.� Phelps’ daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, said the Virginia Tech teachers and students who died on Monday brought their fate upon themselves by not being true Christians.

“The evidence is they were not Christian. God does not do that to his servants,� Phelps-Roper said. “You don’t need to look any further for evidence those people are in hell.�

Please pardon the following spluttering outrage: what the hell?!

Read the full article. It gets worse.

I have to say, I have never seen a more blatant display of sick, self-serving disrespect in my life. I’m literally struggling for words at the moment, trying to contain my anger and outrage. What the hell do the deaths of those poor students and one severely disturbed individual have to do with homosexuality, sins of the flesh, or anything other than the tragic fact that a misguided soul shattered dozens of families by taking their children from them? How dare these people say that these innocent victims somehow brought this on themselves and are now in hell?

I’ve got to say, it takes a lot of balls, self-righteousness, and a rather sickening mindset to take an event like this and twist it to suit an agenda in any way. As often as I’ve seen anti-gay protesters preaching about how hard we push the so-called corruption of “the gay agenda”, I can’t think of a single gay activist organization that would capitalize on such a terrible event in such a fashion. This is heartless, this is cruel, this is inhumane, and it’s about as un-Christian as anything could possibly get. It boggles the mind, honestly. How can anyone think that doing something as horrible as protesting the funerals of students (whose sexuality isn’t even an issue in this case, so why is homosexuality being tied to this?) is in any way advocating a loving god, no matter what god that might be?

True Christians? Don’t even talk to me about true Christians. I’m not sure what defines a “true” Christian, but I severely doubt that it’s behavior like this.

This has gone from tragedy to travesty. Have respect for the fallen, especially those whose lives were taken from them in such a merciless and horrible fashion. Have respect for their families, and the pain they’re already in; don’t add to their grief with this atrocity.

You want to picket someone? Come picket me. Here I am, big flamin’ fag, queer as folk and f*** and every other F-word you want to fling at me. You can come dance around my apartment and tell me I’m going to hell if you want. I’d rather take the BS these people are flinging than see it inflicted on the friends and families of those lost in the Virginia Tech shooting. Better me than them.

There are no words for how wrong this is. If the protesters manage to pull this off…I wish those attending the funerals the most fortitude and strength in dealing with this affront to human decency.

VA tech, Vtech, Virginia Tech, Virginia Tech shootings, VTech shootings, Cho Seung-Hui, Fred Phelps, Shirley Phelps-Roper, Christian protests, anti-gay protests, Westboro Baptist Church, WBC, homosexuality

Since the other day’s poll on dating transgendered individuals turned into such a hot topic, I decided to keep with the theme and pull out this little gem from the mail bag for today’s Ask Adri column:

Dear Adri

Im 32M married two kids. I love my wife but i think about wearing her clothes a lot and being a woman. Ive been thinking about this a long time and sometimes I cd but its not enough. Its not just a sex kink. I think I wantto go all the way but I dont want to lose my wife and kids if I become a woman. I dont know what to do. Advice plz?

Thx
Curious2BFem

…man, am I glad I bought a new coffee pot before tackling this one.

All right, Curious. The first thing that I want to tell you is that you’re not alone in this. Many transwomen and transmen don’t come to the realization that they’ve had the need to transition to their chosen gender until after they’ve settled into what some consider a “normal” life as someone’s husband or wife, father or mother. It’s often a result of pressure to follow a preset path, rather than deviating to explore the path of understanding one’s own identity to be happy. To offer encouragement, many transwomen and transmen have supportive spouses and children who stay with them and continue to love them through the difficult struggle of transition and the change in life that comes afterwards. To be realistic, though, things like this can break a family apart. It’s unfortunate, it shouldn’t happen, but that’s life. Where you fall in the spectrum remains to be seen.

Before you think about doing anything, make sure you’re well-educated on what you intend to do. There are many websites (T-Vox.org, TSRoadmap.com, GenderTalk, you’ll find many others via Google) with resources for people thinking about transitioning, already in the process, or well settled into transitioned life.

Transition is a process that can seem both glamorous and terrifying; you’re proposing making a great deal of mostly permanent changes to your body, which either cannot be reversed or can only be reversed with expensive surgery when you’ve already spent a bomb on the initial surgery. Even if you only take hormones without any surgical options, that’s going to cause changes in your body chemistry resulting in adjustments to your physiology and the almost certain growth of breasts that aren’t going to magically melt away if you stop the injections. This isn’t a decision that you can make lightly, or even in a short period of time. You may take the first step towards transition fully intending to do everything possible to make yourself over into a transwoman, and then change your mind along the way about how far you want to go. That’s all right. Take it one step at a time and before you do anything, consult your physician about the effects that this will have on your health.

You know who else you may want to consult? Your wife. Talk to her, and listen to her; she may be angry or upset at first, but try not to get angry in return. Your best bet is to calmly, quietly explain to her how you feel, why, and what you’d like to do. Don’t lay down any ultimatums; you may make her feel cornered in the surprise of the moment, and cause an impulse reaction. If transition is something that you absolutely can’t live without, you are going to have to make her understand that, but ease her into it…and try to be willing to compromise where you can, or take things at a slower pace while she adjusts to the fact that her husband wants to become her wife and she’ll be moving from a heterosexual marriage into what is essentially a lesbian one.

It sounds as if your family is very important to you; if you love them and they love you they’ll often stick by you through just about anything, but that requires patience and communication on both sides. They may be angry at first; try to allow them that, if you can. Anger is a natural reaction when faced with something surprising and confusing, often knee-jerk and causing them to say things they don’t really think or feel. It will pass with patience and understanding, and if you’re willing to talk them down from it rather than shout it out, you’ll find them much more open and willing to accept what you have to say after the initial shock fades.

Understand that while you may be doing this for yourself, it is going to have an effect on your family outside the home and you need to consider that responsibly. If you begin to publicly transition, it will reflect on how people act towards you, your wife, and your children in social environments; some reactions will be awkward but polite, some encouraging, and some downright hostile. I’m not telling you this to discourage you; I’m telling you to prepare you, and so that you can prepare them if they decide to hang on with you through thick and thin. I’m hoping that they do. You’ll be in for many trials, and you’ll need each other to stand against them.

Give them as much information and support as you can; educate them as you educated yourself, so that you’re all standing on even footing. You may want to direct them towards organizations such as PFlag, as sometimes it helps to speak to others with transgendered family members to understand their experiences.

Remember that you’ll also be dealing with your extended family, both by blood and by marriage, and that they may have to be eased into this. There’s also a matter of name changes (should you choose to) and, depending on how far you go, asking a court to grant legal recognition of your new gender status once you’ve met certain requirements. Be prepared to spend quite a bit of money; the court costs will be the least of it. I won’t say it “might” be costly. It will be costly. Often it’s money and little else that stops people from following the transitional path of their choosing.

Once you educate yourself a bit more and come to a decision as to what to do: assuming that decision is to go full-steam-ahead with transition, try to find your nearest reputable GBLTQ clinic, or at least one known to be friendly. Google can again help you with this, and I’d recommend finding a TG/TS/TV group on Yahoo Groups or another social network, as you’ll find many supportive people there with a few inside tips on local resources. You’ll need a physical, blood tests, a prescription, the fortitude to stick yourself with a huge honkin’ needle (I’ve watched one of my MtF friends do it and it still makes me shudder), and most likely a therapist. Sometimes the therapist comes before the prescription, sometimes the other way around; it’s less a chicken/egg issue and more a matter of what your physician requires. Some will administer a prescription for estrogen after having a talk with you and determining that you understand what you’re undertaking and accept full responsibility for it; others require that you seek counseling with someone experienced with issues regarding gender identity.

Regardless of if your physician requires it or not, I’d recommend finding a trans-friendly therapist. You’re going to go through a number of ups and downs, from the novelty and joy of discovery and new experiences to the disappointments of dealing with some less-than-pleasant reactions to your choice…and if you take estrogen that’s going to affect your moods as well as you go through hormone cycles and your body chemistry shifts. You’ll need an experienced guiding hand to help hold you together so you come sailing through in one piece.

If you do go through with it, good luck, and I hope that things work out well for both you and your family. You’ll face a great deal of difficulty and social stigma, and criticism both from without the GBLTQ community and, unfortunately, from within. Remember that no matter how far you choose to go and whatever surgical or hormonal options you do or do not choose…no one can tell you how much of a woman you are except for you. Do as much as you need to make yourself happy, and don’t force anything excessive to meet another’s standards of what makes a “real” transwoman. Even if you wholly disdain hormones and surgery but adopt a female identity through crossdressing and shift of behavior/role, you’re as much of a woman as you need to be, as long as you’re happy.

“You go, girl” as a few people stuck in the 90s are wont to say,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

relationships, ftm, mtf, male-to-female, female-to-male, transgender, transsexual, gay transgender, lesbian transgender, transgender marriages, cross-dressing, gbltq, transition, sex change, gender reassignment

Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund

April 16, 2007, will be remembered as one of the darkest days in the history of the Virginia Tech community and the world beyond.

To remember and honor the victims of those tragic events, the university has established the Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund to aid in the healing process and generate financial support.

The fund will be used to cover expenses including but not limited to:

• Grief counseling
• Memorials
• Communication expenses
• Comfort expenses
• Incidental needs

If you plan to give, please click the link below:

I am feeling distinctly unwell this morning, kids, so I’m afraid you get a short update today before I drag my carcass out of the apartment and off to the store for whatever bitter unguent or brew might soothe the sandpaper scraping down my throat. I just thought you might want to check this out:

Mississippi Queen: An Indie Documentary

Mississippi Queen is a documentary giving voice to the tensions and harmonies unique to the Southern gay & lesbian communities and their Bible Belt environment. Currently in the pre-production stage, Mississippi Queen will follow a returning native to the South with her curious cohort from the MidWest in tow.

Another 451 blogger turned me on to this, and as someone who lives with both the ups and downs of being gay in the South, it immediately caught my attention. (Enough for me to spend more than two minutes on MySpace, which is a feat in and of itself considering that MySpace makes me twitch.) Southern culture is a truly unique and often strange thing that people often don’t understand until they’ve experienced it directly, and the gay and lesbian subculture in the South has a distinctly different flavor than anything you might find north of certain states.

I’ll be interested in seeing how this documentary explores those aspects unique to the South, especially the balancing act between sexuality and religion. I, personally, am an atheist (put that rotten fruit down and don’t you dare start throwing it my way) but I respect others’ rights to follow their faith and what they believe in, and I’ve often wondered how people reconcile the two parts of their identities when what they’re taught can often conflict with who they are. It’s a struggle that I don’t envy, but one that I admire in those who deal with it every day.

According to the Mississippi Queen MySpace profile they’re starting shooting in May, so I’ll try to keep an eye on things and watch for any interesting video clips. The profile itself has video commentaries from Bryce and Paige, key names behind the production of Mississippi Queen.

I’m going to give up on trying to be coherent now, go medicate myself, and hide under a heap of blankets. I’ll see you kids tomorrow, assuming I haven’t died from the plague. (Just kidding.)

Mississippi Queen, Bible Belt, gay in the South, gay and lesbian documentary, gay documentary, lesbian documentary, gays and the church