Pride & Opinions

Dear Adri:

I’m a happily married lesbian, and even though most of the older members of our families are accepting, they still ask “who’s the man”. How can I make them understand that there doesn’t have to be a “woman” and a “man” in a gay relationship?

Thanks,
Not a man

You could do what I did to my mother (who, I recently discovered, reads this regularly, which rather creeps me out): you could explain to them in explicit detail who’s on top in the bedroom, including the exact physical mechanics of it and any accessories required. I guarantee they’ll stop asking. They’ll stop even wanting to wonder, because they’ll realize they don’t want to know. Few want to picture their younger relatives caught in the middle of the dirty deed.

No? Doesn’t work for you? But the reaction’s really funny…

Okay, okay, we’ll try the diplomatic approach. This is a question I’ve dealt with from many quarters, from my parents right down to nosy coworkers, and it’s never an easy issue to address. The first thing that I always have to do is check my knee-jerk reaction of irritation and exasperation, settle my hackles, and remind myself that nine out of ten times, the person asking doesn’t mean to be nearly as insulting as they come across. They aren’t trying to be rude; they just don’t know any better.

With that in mind, it does fall on our shoulders to explain to them so that they do know better. I’ve found that the best tack to take is to calmly and patiently remind your family - or whoever’s asking - that you and your partner are the same gender, so there’s no separating you into the “man” and “woman” of a relationship based on behavioral roles, and that you have an entirely different dynamic. Explain that you’re equal partners and what matters to the two of you isn’t who gets to fulfill the male or female role in the relationship, but who your partner is as a person and how your individual dynamic works together.

In truth, that probably won’t sink in at first. It takes a lot of time and acclimation to break people of this idea that any balanced relationship must have a male/female element regardless of the genders of the people involved (and that includes relationships between two transgenders or relationships between a transgender and a non-transgendered person). One way I’ve found that works best is to point out extremely close same-sex friendships between heterosexuals; in many ways a relationship is (or should be) just like a close, trusting platonic friendship, and yet in friendships there is no requirement that one be the man and one be the woman.

Explain to your family that your relationship is just the same as a stable, balanced, loving friendship - down to the point where you love your friends even when you want to throttle them - but with intimacy and further commitment involved. It’s not going to make them understand immediately, but it will help them take baby steps across that gap once they can find a parallel that they understand in everyday life. Once they grasp that, try to remind them that you and your partner are people that they know as unique individuals, and that nothing about what they know about you has changed enough that they need to redefine you in either a male or female role as opposed to your partner.

The social stereotypes of the male and female roles are just that: stereotypes, not concrete necessity. Love is love, period. It doesn’t know gender, and it doesn’t require a solid element of male or female. It’s about you, and nothing else. Many heterosexual couples break the social stereotype; they may physically be male and female, but their roles in their relationship don’t fulfill the traditional social stereotype of who’s the “man” and who’s the “woman” - and I don’t just mean the old jokes of “well, we know who really wears the pants in that relationship!”

More and more relationships are becoming a thing of balanced equality between two people who both have careers, life goals, hobbies, etc. They’re socially equal outside their relationship, and remain socially equal inside their relationship regardless of the fact that they have different anatomy. Try to explain that it’s exactly the same for homosexual relationships; we just happen to have one more thing in common with our partners beyond steady jobs, etc. (As Noxema Jackson/Wesley Snipes said, “For starters, the same business between your legs - boink, boink, boinkboinkboink.”)

Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to tackle this. I wish there was. You often have to take it on a case-by-case basis and try to explain with consideration for the person you’re talking to and how they think, and sometimes it still won’t register. They may get it over time; they may never get it at all. The important thing is to be patient and never lose your cool. Arguing about it is just going to cause the other person to block out what you’re saying, because at that point to listen to you means to lose the argument.

Once they do understand, you may want to remind them (and other people in your life who ask) that it’s just as rude and invasive to ask homosexuals about our relationships in that fashion as it is to ask heterosexuals. I, for one, don’t mind explaining the first time; as I said, the majority don’t realize that they’re being offensive (and sometimes making me feel like a circus performer putting on an act in front of a sign that says “Look at the amazing homosexual! Marvel at his strange ways!”). If someone doesn’t have the patience to educate them then they’ll never really get it, and they’ll never be able to accept it as normal rather than as some freakish novelty that needs to be stared at, prodded, and picked apart.

But once they know, they should remember that a little common courtesy goes a long way and that they should respect the social and personal boundaries of their gay/lesbian/bi/transgender friends and family in the same way that they’d respect those of their straight friends and family.

Good luck,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay relationships, lesbian relationships, relationship issues, non-gender-biased relationships

Good morning, happy Monday, and will someone please either fix my coffee pot or get me a new one before I go ballistic on someone? This instant crap is not cutting it. Hopefully doing this morning’s Ask Adri column will wake me up. Today’s is…well, it’s something else. I’ll be honest: when I first read this letter, my initial thoughts ran somewhere along the lines of “wtf?” followed by “if I were your fiancee, I’d slap you.”

Dear Adrien,

My fiancee will be moving to California soon and she will no longer have her gay best friend around. How do I find another gay man for her to be friends with so I don’t have to go see the new Hairspray movie/Scissor Sisters Concerts/Rent?

Any help in this manner would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Too Straight in California

My friend, if you’re thinking of putting out a personals ad for your fiancee: put the newspaper down, and don’t you dare call to ask about advertising rates. Do you realize that you’re effectively asking me how you can pimp your lady out for a new gay man?

This entire concept is a bad idea, and a disaster waiting to happen. Not only that, it’s just rude.

First: your fiancee’s gay best friend isn’t just a stereotypical token to take your place at social events that you deem “too gay” for you to possibly enjoy. He’s a person that has more value to her than that, with a personality, hobbies, a life that makes him your future wife’s friend and confidante, and not this cardboard substitute. You can’t replace that just by picking out another queer and shoving him at her.

Second: Not all gay men like the same things. Frankly, I’m not that big on Scissor Sisters, and yet one of my straight friends loves them. Same with Rent. Don’t pigeonhole us.

Third: Your fiancee (who may or may not become your wife if you actually attempt something as screwheaded as trying to find a new gay friend for her) is a grown woman who is perfectly capable of making friends on her own. She doesn’t need you to play matchmaker for her. Have a little more respect than that.

Being “too straight” is no excuse for being dense. Explain to your fiancee that you don’t enjoy going to these events with her, but you wouldn’t mind doing other things together that you both enjoy…but don’t try to foist her off on someone else to ease your conscience. No doubt she’d rather go alone than put up with you fidgeting through the entire thing, or the awkwardness of dealing with some strange fellow that her husband-to-be picked out for her. She might make new friends with the same interests - male, female, gay, straight, it won’t matter - but that’s her business, and her social life.

If she wants your help with that, she’ll ask you. Otherwise, man, just step out of it before you step in it up to your bloody neck. There are very few ways that this can end well, and I don’t see many of them in your future.

Caffeine-deficiently yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay social life, gay friends, rent, scissor sisters, hairspray

I would pick Friday the bloody 13th to start doing my Ask Adri column. Let’s hope this isn’t a portent of something ill-fated. My coffee pot’s already broken and I am not happy about it, so let’s pour the nasty instant coffee and see who’s the first to fall under the knife of this self-appointed gay issues advice columnist.

Hesitant friend wrote:

Dear Adrian,

Me, personally, I’m straight (and female). To my supreme annoyance, most of my male friends are gay. That’s not really an issue, though, past the random “why are the good ones never straight?” question. One of my friends is incredibly shy and new to the area, and he’s asked me to pretend to be his “date” to a local bar. Not the normal type of bar, of course, I wouldn’t mind that. This particular bar is well known to be the local gay/lesbian/crossdresser spot (not transgender… I don’t think).

Anyway, I know he’s cool, but I’m a little… mmmm… reluctant to go. For all that I have several gay male friends, I know almost no lesbians, and I’m hesitant about how they and the other people at this bar will react. It’s silly, I know, but still. Advice?

First off, honey, you misspelled my name - but I’ll forgive you for it this time. Next time I’m taking you to my stylist and telling her to give you a bright gold weave with purple streaks.

Second, I’m going to ignore the fact that several of the things you said are phrased in ways that would get you smacked upside your nappy little head if you were one of my straight friends.

All kidding aside: what are you afraid of? Straight women go to gay bars with their gay friends all the time, trust me. A lot of the straight women that I know prefer gay bars because they feel safer there with fewer straight male sleazes assuming that they’re there looking for sex. You won’t exactly be anything out of the ordinary.

Your exact concern isn’t wholly clear in your letter. From what I can tell you’re either A.) afraid that people (especially lesbians, from your commentary) will condemn you for invading where you don’t belong, B.) afraid that lesbians will hit on you, or C.) afraid that people will think you’re gay and rumors will start. So I’ll just address all three and hope that there’s something useful for you in there.

A.) First, believe it or not, lesbians are not these scary militant creatures who will attack you for being straight. Lesbians are women just like you and…uh…well, just like you. Yes, sometimes there is a sense of solidarity in the GBLTQ community involved with guarding against heterosexuals as the “outsiders”, but only in such cases where those heterosexuals are obviously and aggressively homophobic and we feel the need to close ranks and present a united front.

Friends are welcome to anyone regardless of sexuality, and in most cases supportive heterosexual friends are quite accepted in what some prefer to call “alternative” bars. Imagine what kind of crappy social life a lesbian or gay man would have if she or he had to exclude all their straight friends from outings just because they dared to be attracted to the opposite sex. As long as you don’t start bringing in the hetero legions to crowd out the gay element and turn it into a straight bar or start trying to feel up the gay guys there in your own rendition of a sexual assault case in the making, there shouldn’t be a problem.

Oh yeah. And don’t try to convert anyone, or start holy-rollin’ and telling all and sundry that they’re going to hell. That…wouldn’t go over very well.

Let’s not forget that you won’t be wearing a name badge that says “Hi, my name is _______, and I’m straight!” No one’s going to notice The Big Scary Hetero, or care. They’ll see you’re there with a friend and that’s all that’ll matter. You may get the occasional bad apples, and the conclusive feeling varies from person to person, but for the most part you’ll find everyone open-minded and accepting.

B.) Lesbians also aren’t raging hormone-balls that indiscriminately jump on anything with breasts and a va-hoo-hoo. Yes, you may be approached by other women, but they’re not exactly going to grope you. I’ve never understood why a lot of straight people assume that a homosexual cannot control his or her desires when within leg-humping range of a member of the same sex. (I’m not saying you think that; that’s just a pet peeve of mine, and you get to listen to me gripe about it.) There’s a matter of decorum, expressing interest, and waiting to see if interest is returned - same as in any straight bar. If another woman approaches you and expresses interest, just smile politely and tell her that you’re there with someone. For the most part you can be sure that she’ll respect that and back off like any other normal human being, and you can bask in the flattery of being attractive to other women.

C.) If you’re seriously afraid that rumors will spread about your sexuality, I have to ask: what’s so wrong with being gay that this would be traumatic? If you’re secure enough in yourself and your sexuality, then someone else’s wrong guess or a rumor that will die down eventually - and they always do - shouldn’t affect you at all. Forget about it. Be confident in who you are, and don’t worry that one night playing beard to your friend will have drastic repercussions.

The bottom line for all three of those answers is this: don’t worry about anyone else. If you’re going to go, go to have fun and be there for your friend; he’s nervous, asking you to go out on a limb for him, and will probably understand that you’re hesitant but hope you’re willing to take the plunge with him anyway. I’m sure he’ll understand if you’ve got a reason for not wanting to go, but he’ll probably be hurt if that reason is “I’m afraid the other queers won’t like me”.

Just have a good time. Trust me, after a few Long Island iced teas, you won’t care anyway. Enjoy yourself, and don’t get so drunk that you end up going home with the scariest skeeze in the bar and giving people something to really talk about.

Now, that’s just my opinion, from the POV of a gay man who doesn’t have a single problem with straight women in gay bars. For a different perspective, check out the opinion of a woman who’s been to plenty of gay bars, and may just understand your discomfort despite the fact that her experience has been with predominantly male environments. Maybe her example of a first-hand experience can give you a better idea of what to expect.

Love, luck, and gods I can’t stand lollipops,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

ask adri, gay life, gay social life, gay bars, gays with straight friends