Pride & Opinions

I’m still sorting through some submissions for TTT (Thursday’s Transgender Tales) and don’t have an appropriate one for today…so today, it’ll be me telling you a story. I hope you don’t mind.

Before I ever knew her as Kelly, I knew her as Keith. Keith and I worked together at my first job out of university, suit and tie all the way, a corporate hellhole that killed a little piece of me every day that I walked in and plastered on that false smile and listened to the little buzzwords thrown about like sticky, saccharine candy.

Keith and I were comrades in arms, the office queers. Corporate life is a world of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, military secrecy in fine-knit Italian suits, encrypted code and sexual espionage. We’d talk in our off-hours, sleeves rolled up and elbows on the bar at the nearest place to get a good drink, unwind, and gripe about what the weasels on upper decks had passed down to the lowly slums that day. Drinks after work became weekend hangouts, late-night phone calls, inside jokes shared in the office simply by exchanged glances, raised brows, and secretive smiles. After hours we’d be bursting, waiting to laugh, brimming with a dozen “Did you see–?”-s. Camraderie had become friendship, over the course of a few short months. We were brothers, in a way, stationed deep in enemy territory with only each other for support.

It was a few months before he trusted me enough to confide in me, however. A few months of Mai Tais and cigarettes and working weekends meeting deadlines screwed by managerial oversight, a few months of enduring company barbeques and picnics and griping about boyfriends and the local scene before he said, “I’ve got a secret. And you can’t tell anyone at work, Adri. You can’t. Promise.”

I promised, and that was when Keith introduced me to Kelly.

Kelly was a tall woman, redheaded, strong-shouldered, with the softest brown eyes you’d ever see. She carried herself awkwardly, uncomfortable in her skin; under her off-color foundation hints of stubble peeked out, and her clothes never sat quite right, bunched oddly in all the wrong places. Kelly had Keith’s pouting lips, and could have been his sister if Kelly wasn’t Keith peeking out from behind a face that didn’t quite belong to him.

To her.

She was nervous, the first time she showed me. Nervous and shy as a virgin, and even then she was pretty when she blushed, lowering her eyes and afraid to meet my gaze. I don’t know what she thought I’d do. Laugh, maybe. Recoil in disgust. Walk out, refuse to talk to her anymore. All I did was hug her; I didn’t know what else to do, or say. Just because he was now she didn’t change that she was still the same friend I’d known; I was a little confused, yes, trying to reconcile one identity with the other, but over time she taught me to understand, explained to me in the same honest and frank way that she always had.

At first I didn’t understand that she was turning to me for support, and shelter. At first I didn’t know what to do, once she made that fact clear. She wanted to transition fully, and hadn’t the faintest idea where to start – though she was willing to quit her job and start somewhere else anew, to avoid the awkwardness of coming out in the office. That, I knew how to help with. I helped her with her job hunts and dressing for interviews, helped her with looking for transgender resources, went with her to her first meeting of a local transgender organization. I went with her to local trans-friendly bars, made an ass out of myself shaking it on the dance floor with her, made an even bigger ass of myself snarling at the “tranny-chasers” who went after her looking to satisfy a few sexual kinks and use her as a fetish object.

I’ll admit I had no damned clue what I was doing. I’d never seen anyone transition before, and here she was asking me for help – but in the end, she didn’t need my help so much; just the support of a friend. She found her own way, forged her own path, and even when she curled her hand tight in mine while she waited nervously for her first meeting with a doctor about hormone therapy, I knew that despite her shaking fingers she was braver and stronger than I’d ever be.

She was brave enough and strong enough to openly proclaim that she would live her life as she chose to, and unashamedly step from the role that she was born into and into the role that she was meant for. I’ve never seen anyone fight so hard, or bear it so stoically. Over years I watched her change – watched as the estrogen affected her body structure and she softened and curved, watched as she struggled with adapting to feminine behavior, with changing social perceptions towards her, with dressing to flatter her body type, with disappointment on the days when she couldn’t pass convincingly to the general public, joy on the days when she could. Sometimes she was resolute, unwavering.

Sometimes, she was all too understandably human, and fragile. Sometimes she almost broke, almost gave up.

But she never did.

And yet she’d ask me some days, on the verge of tears, “Adrien, am I a freak?”

A freak…she was anything but. Every time I held her and stroked her hair, I told her that she was beautiful, told her that she’d made the right choice, that she was doing what made her happy. I never knew if my words really helped her, if she needed that or just needed someone to hold her while she spent her tears.

But I do know that in time, she stopped asking, stopped needing to be told. In time she began to smile more, began to bud, then blossom, until she was nearly giddy with the relief of discovering life as Kelly, discovering life where Keith no longer existed. Now she’s one of the brightest, most vivacious people that I know, and being in her presence can lift even my dour and humorless spirits. Sometimes I tell her she’s gorgeous just to see her smile, but the best part is that she doesn’t need me to say it for her to know it.

Yet I don’t think even she knows how lovely she really is, or what a triumph her personal struggle has been. To her it’s become normal, as it should be. To her every day is just like any other, a new life and a new world for her to explore, wonderful and yet no less acceptable than hetero life or queer life. I don’t think I even know the words to tell her how much I admire her for that.

But I do know that she’s a beautiful woman, one of the most beautiful that I’ve ever seen. I know that standard conventions of beauty don’t matter when I look at her, because she is every inch what a woman is supposed to be, no matter how she was born, no matter how she looks now. She is a woman’s strength, she is a woman’s resilience, she is a woman’s softness and warmth and dynamic versatility.

But most importantly she is a woman - and to me, Kelly is every inch a goddess.

Are you a MtF or FtM transgender/transsexual/transvestite/crossdresser, or considering/questioning? Want to share your story or motivational anecdote? E-mail your story to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Transgender Tales” or use the Contact Form to send your story in.

transgender tales, thursday transgender tales, transgender, transvestite, transsexual, crossdresser, crossdressing, mtf, ftm, m2f, f2m, male-to-female, female-to-male, gender identity, gender dysphoria, transition, transitioning, sex change

Today’s Transgender Tale was submitted by Jill, and was originally published in Transgender Tapestry #206 in Winter of 2004.

Rite of Passage

I have a very good friend named Jan, a married woman. We met on line eight or nine years ago. We struck up a conversation in an AOL chat room and were soon writing each other short notes almost every day. At the time I was married to a woman and presenting as male. I was still in deep denial, refusing to confront and come to terms with the gender issues which had relentlessly dogged me since childhood.

Jan and I lived three states away from each other. We corresponded for several months before her family, on vacation, passed through the area where I lived. Jan and I met for coffee. We had planned on talking for half an hour or so. Instead, we spent more that two hours together.

Over time, Jan and I found common interests and shared points of view on many issues. We would discuss religion, politics, her husband, my wife, children, careers, every topic under the sun but one; sex. Neither of us were looking for anything beyond our marriages. It was just not “there” sexually for either of us. We agreed that if there were a sexual overtone to our friendship, it would most likely get in the way. Neither of us wanted to jeopardize the specialness of the friendship. Besides, she could not quite put her finger on it, but she said I was just “different” from any other male she had ever known.

When I finally came out, I was scared to death to tell Jan. We had shared so many things, so many intimacies - but as with my family and other friends, I knew I had to take the risk of losing a relationship with someone for whom I cared for rather than pretending to live differently than who I am. So, over a very long telephone conversation one evening, I told her. She was very surprised but not shocked. After reflecting on the issue for a week or so, she finally said “THAT’S what it is, I KNEW you were different somehow.” Jan has been supportive of my transition ever since.

Prior to my coming out, Jan and I had not disclosed the existence of our friendship to our respective spouses; this was to keep them from thinking there was anything sexual between us. I don’t know where you come from, or how you grew up, but where I come from, a married male just doesn’t make close friends with a married woman unless something is going on on the sly. Now that he knows, her husband thinks I’m totally strange for doing what I am doing. In a way, maybe he’s right.

A year after I came out, my marriage fell apart, and I moved to Phoenix, Jan lives in another community in this same state, but that’s not why I chose to move to Arizona. It’s just a happy coincidence. We see each other every few months when she is in town on business, or when I have gone to visit her. The rest of the time we e-mail, and occasionally call.

Jan has witnessed the various stages of my transition literally from day one. She has seen me as a male; as an “out TS” but still presenting as male; as a newbie starting hormones; as a very rough presentation to the point I was read by the waitress one day when we were at lunch; as a budding woman with a softening of my facial features and small pubescent breasts; and finally as I am now; a confident, post-transitional feminine woman, who lives as such 24/7, and who is fearless about going anywhere in public any other woman would go.

This includes of course any woman’s public restroom - and therein lies the story.

Consciously or not, we interact with others in a way that reflects their perceived gender. Two colleagues go for lunch. It’s strictly professional, but he will still open the door for her. He does not, however, accompany her to the restroom. My relationship with Jan had, until that day, been similar, with the typical male/female dynamics.

On the day in question, Jan was in town to run some errands. We went out to lunch and caught each other up on all the latest gossip and news. After the meal we continued our discussion over coffee. We all know what coffee does. I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room. Jan said, “Wait, I’ll go with you.” So, we, two women, trotted off to the ladies’ restroom, continuing our conversation on the way. We did what we came there to do, each fully aware of what the other was doing in the next stall, yet all the while talking over the partitions. We both then washed our hands, checked our hair and makeup, and returned to the table together.

Neither of us commented on the event, either during or after. The act of doing what she did was very simple; all she did was allow us to pee in each others’ relative presence. Yet by doing so, she forever altered what was left of any male/female dynamics of the relationship.

The act was a subtle, yet distinct acceptance and inclusion of me into womanhood, and into her space as a woman. And for that, I shall forever be grateful more than she will ever realize.

I’m sure many others are grateful to you for sharing this story, and on their behalf I thank you.

~Adri

Are you a MtF or FtM transgender/transsexual/transvestite/crossdresser, or considering/questioning? Want to share your story or motivational anecdote? E-mail your story to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Transgender Tales” or use the Contact Form to send your story in.

transgender tales, thursday transgender tales, transgender, transvestite, transsexual, crossdresser, crossdressing, mtf, ftm, m2f, f2m, male-to-female, female-to-male, gender identity, gender dysphoria, transition, transitioning, sex change

Before I move on to the rest of today’s column, I just have to say…I’m wholly disgusted by the number of supposed liberal, tolerant people who are expressing joy that Jerry Falwell is dead. I’m not exactly the most PC person in the world - in fact, at times I’m willfully offensive and enjoy it - but I draw the line at wishing death on another person or celebrating their death, no matter how terrible they were. I’m well aware that Falwell was a bigot, a horrid and hateful individual, and quite frankly, an arse. He wasn’t just a thorn in our sides, he was a bloody effin’ torpedo. But he was still a human being, and his was a human life. You don’t have to mourn his passing; I’m not. But have enough respect for life not to celebrate it, either.

Wankers.

Moving on: I haven’t done an “Ask Adri” column in a while, have I? Let’s see what reader questions I have sitting on the back burner. Ah, here’s one:

Dear Adri:

I’m gay, and I want to come out to my parents, do you have any advice? I’ve wanted to tell them for years, but have always been afraid to. Now I’m settling down with a long-term partner, and I want to tell them before he moves in. I’m tired of hiding and would like them to accept him as a part of my family, but I don’t want to lose him or them if this creates a schism.

Well, that’s a classic one right there, isn’t it? The coming-out difficulties. The possibility of being torn between your family and your partner is definitely wince-worthy, but I hope it won’t come to that. By the way, congratulations on the partnership. Lucky sod. (Yes, I’m a little jealous. But I’m happy for you anyway. Now where’s my Mr. Right as opposed to Mr. “Eh, I guess you’ll do for right now”?)

In truth, I’m in favor of the blunt-but-tactful approach. Gird your loins for battle, mentally prepare yourself for just about every awkward question they might ask, brace yourself for rejection but hope for acceptance, and dive right on in. Tell them honestly but gently, without wasting words on an awkward build-up. There’s little to be gained by pussyfooting around other than making both you and them uncomfortable before you even blurt the news out. Depending on your parents’ views and what you know of them, it will either be insanely difficult or shockingly easy.

Your best bet is to be honest, firm, and unashamed, but not assault them with the news or take any kind of aggressive tack. Come to them as their son, not as an antagonist wanting to force unwanted news on them whether they want it or not - a tactic I’ve seen too many take, which doesn’t help confused and surprised parents in accepting it. (I wasn’t exactly nice or supportive in coming out to my mother, something I blame on our extremely strained relationship, but I’m still regretful that I didn’t handle it better. Learn from my mistakes.) Parents of gay children are much more open to their child’s request for love and support than they are to baldly stated demands; no matter how old you are, to your parents you’re still their little rugrat who’d better not talk back to them if he knows what’s good for him, and they likely won’t respond well to a demanding tone.

Anticipate hostility or rejection, but don’t expect it - and don’t project it onto them. The anticipation is more for your own sake, so that if you face a negative reaction, you’re prepared to deal with it. Try not to expect it, for their sake - so that expectation won’t color your tone when you talk to them about it, and make them feel uncomfortable or attacked. Just as you want them to remember that you’re their child and not some strange creature infected with The Gay, you also need to remember that they’re your parents and not stern, authoritarian figures standing judgment over you without love or compassion.

Before you talk to them about your partner, talk to them about yourself. They’re going to have questions; be ready to answer them calmly, and if there are some things that they ask you that you aren’t comfortable talking about, have a gently deflecting answer prepared. Don’t just give them “Mom, Dad, I’m gay, deal with it”; give them information if you can, such as examples of other people that your family knows with gay children to give them someone familiar to identify with. There are also organizations like PFLAG, of course, and if they really are having difficulty coping with the concept of their son as a gay man, guide them towards such support groups.

With any luck, you won’t even have to go to such lengths. Although we’ve all heard horror stories of violently explosive parental reactions to their child’s sexuality, more and more in passing years we also hear stories of parents who simply accept the news with love and support, and treat it as something normal and commonplace. For you to care about them enough to be concerned about choosing between you and your partner, it sounds as if you have a strong enough relationship that they’d never even ask you to do that. Even if they are confused and a little disconcerted at first, given time they’ll grow accustomed to the idea and realize that you’re still the same son they always knew.

Just be patient and give them that time, and be willing to hold their hands during that adjustment period.

Closetphobically yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

P.S. In a bit of personal news? My family is seeing its first gay wedding. No, not me, you dips. I’m just not the marrying type and can’t imagine any man who wouldn’t run screaming from the idea of a lifetime chained to me. My cousin is going to Canada in July to marry her girlfriend, and the whole family’s invited. As stereotypically Southern as my family is sometimes and as homophobic as some of them can be, I’m surprised the invitation went out to everyone - but it looks like everyone’s taking it in good cheer and wishing them well. I’m glad, for my cousin and her girlfriend (soon to be wife). I doubt I’ll be able to make it across the border for their wedding, but I hope you’ll join me in hoping things go well.

ask adri, advice column, coming out, closeted, parents, gay stories, jerry falwell, death, christian right

Why Thursday’s Transgender Tales?

Because I like alliteration. Shut up. Don’t question my alliteration before I’ve had my coffee. I’ll scratch a ho, yo.

Uh. Yeah, okay, I’ve had a little caffeine, you can go back to ignoring my morning crankiness now and move on to the article.

Welcome to the first edition of Thursday’s Transgender Tales. If you missed what that was all about, check out Monday’s post. In the meantime, our first tale comes from Jack/Mary Jane:

Hello,

I came across your call for submissions and thought it would be nice to have a positive story to add to your collection.

I am a very blessed man. I am a transgendered male with a very loving and accepting wife and family. And it’s mostly been that way all of my life.

Probably one of the most touching moments of my life happened one christmas. It was the christmas after my parents fully understood what I was all about. I used to go by pseudonym Mary Jane Capri (out of fear, embarrassment, I’m not really sure) when I first allowed my cross dressing nature to become fully public.

I had visited my parents one christmas. The visit was the usual fun, happy time. When I started to get in my car to leave my dad hugged me (he always does) and said “Tell Mary Jane Merry Christmas.” I told him I would and left. I think it took me a less than a block of driving before I started to cry tears of joy. With that simple wish, my father ensured me that they loved me for who and what I was.

Since then I have had total confidence in myself - which enables me to wear the skirts and dresses I wear (no make up or wigs here.) That’s not to say it’s been a completely easy-going life. There have been issues at times but nothing I haven’t been able to endure…with the help and love of my family.

Thank you for letting me share.

I think I may have gotten a little confused in the terminology used there, but nonetheless, thanks for being the first to write in, Jack/MJ. And thanks for sharing that story of having such a wonderful family. I hope to hear from and share the stories of many others.

~Adri

Are you a MtF or FtM transgender/transsexual/transvestite/crossdresser, or considering/questioning? Want to share your story or motivational anecdote? E-mail your story to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Transgender Tales” or use the Contact Form to send your story in.

transgender tales, thursday transgender tales, transgender, transvestite, transsexual, crossdresser, crossdressing, mtf, ftm, m2f, f2m, male-to-female, female-to-male, gender identity, gender dysphoria, transition, transitioning, sex change

Yesterday I received an e-mail follow-up to the question of talking to your children about their sexuality, and thought it would make a perfect question for the Wednesday Ask Adri column.

Adri,

I really enjoyed your article, ‘Talking to your kids about their sexuality.’ I have a question tho - what if I want to talk to my kids about MY sexuality? I am married with a son (12) and a daughter (15). I love my husband very much but have always had strong feelings towards women.

About a year ago I realized that I could not be happy without exploring my feelings. I may be bisexual but I really have no interest in men and only married my husband because of family pressure and because I couldn’t help but love him. I love him even more because he loves me enough to understand that I need to explore and has let our relationship be open enough that I now have a girlfriend.

I care about my girlfriend very much but do not want to leave my husband. That is not the problem. We are going to stay together always. The problem is that my girlfriend is around the house a lot just as my friend and I do not want to have to hide her from my kids if shes going to be in my life. They really like her. I want to tell them that I am a lesbian but I love their father. How do I do this?

Thanks,
Jane in Austin

Well, Miss Jane, first I have to say: your husband amazes me and is far more understanding in this situation than most would be, since from the sounds of it this isn’t your standard polyamorous relationship and he’s not even getting to have any of the extra fun. If he’s got a gay brother or something somewhere, send him my way. I don’t necessarily need him to be cool with me exploring with other people - I’m very strictly monogamous - but that kind of patience in a man? You don’t pass that up if you know what’s good for you.

I’m very glad, for the sake of both you and your children, that he’s so supportive - because you’re going to need him there when you sit your kids down to have a talk about this. With children that age, the first thing they want to know about any new information from their parents is how it’s going to affect them and change their lives; with your husband there making it obvious that he’s a willing participant in this and that he isn’t going anywhere, you can quickly dispel any arising fears that Mommy’s going to leave Daddy for the Nice Lady and suddenly there’ll be planned weekend visitations.

As I said in regards to talking to them about their sexuality, you should also be frank and honest when talking to them about your sexuality - but try to do it in private rather than in a public place, as in this case I don’t think that hearing the news in the middle of the local Baskin Robbins is going to make them that much more comfortable with the topic. Before you speak to your children, make sure that you are confident enough in yourself and your choices that you don’t give the idea that you waited so long to tell them because you’re somehow ashamed or what you’re doing is wrong. Your children will follow your lead and if you don’t feel ashamed, they won’t either. If you don’t feel as if what you’re doing is wrong - and it really isn’t, as long as it’s between three mature, consenting adults and all are content with the arrangement - then they won’t.

However, if you try to cover things up or hedge around the details (non-sexual details, thank you), they’re going to pick up that you’re embarrassed and could quite easily become embarrassed by you if they think there’s a reason to be, without even fully understanding what that reason might be. Around that age the only thing that comes ahead of budding interest in the opposite (or same) sex in a teenager’s life is their social status, and if you act as if your arrangement is something to be ashamed of, they’ll immediately think that it’s something that could affect their social status and drop them right into the outcast pile the moment that it got out.

Make sure that they understand that this doesn’t change who you are, or how you love and care for them in any way. Point out that nothing has altered in their lives; only their knowledge of the situation has changed, and so this isn’t going to affect their day-to-day lives at all.

Be prepared for them to be angry; they have a right to be. Again, it’s not that you did anything wrong; anger is simply a common reaction, especially in children that age, to things that are startling and confusing. You may have to step back, give them their time to be angry, and give them time to settle down and realize that you’re still Mom and that’s never going to go away. There may be some backlash; it’s okay to accept it within reasonable levels, but of course if it gets out of hand, remind your children that you understand their confusion and frustration, but you are their parental authority figure and they’re crossing the lines of behavior that you accept out of them for any reason.

Don’t forget to talk to them about sexuality in general, if you haven’t already. Explain to them that being a lesbian, being gay, being bisexual, being transgendered…all aspects of sexuality are just as normal as heterosexuality, and people of all sexual orientation conceive or adopt every day and are happy, well-adjusted parents who care deeply for their children.

Most importantly, try to talk to them about this issue as equals. Let them see that you’re telling them this not because you’re forcing something new into their lives and they have to accept it because you keep a roof over their heads…but because you love them and respect them enough that you want to be honest with them and keep them informed. Try not to take the usual parental tone of “this is what I say and my word is law”; instead discuss things with them, and make sure they know that you’re open to any questions they might ask. (Though you may want to smooth over some things on the topic of your sex life. There are some things kids just don’t need to know about what their parents do in the bedroom.) You have to keep avenues of communication open between you even if they storm off in an angry huff (and one, if not both of them, probably will). It’s going to hurt to have your children looking at you as if you’re a strange new creature for a while, and one they’re not wholly sure they like. Just make sure they know that you’re still there, you’re still Mom…and after they’ve had a little time to settle down and accept, they’ll come drifting back.

During that adjustment period you may want to ask your girlfriend to not be around the house as often, because they may view her oddly or lash out at her. It’s both for her own sake and theirs, as before they can adjust to her new role they need time to adjust to yours. Once they’re comfortable with you, then they can more easily accept her as “Mom’s girlfriend”.

This is not going to be an easy talk to have, and you’re going to need to brace yourself and brace your husband. Good luck to the both of you. Do your best to support each other, and support your children. I hope you come out on the other side of this rather rocky issue smiling and with clear skies ahead of you.

Optimistically (creepily so) yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

coming out, parenting, gay parents, lesbian parents, polyamory, polyamorous relationships, gay and lesbian, parenting teenagers, talking to your kids, tolerance, sex and sexuality, homosexuality

I was going to save this piece for later, but since Kim asked about it in the comments to this entry, I thought I’d bump it up the timeline a bit. Her question:

I have a follow-up - or maybe a different question for a similar situation. I’m curious if you would have any advice for the parent who wouldn’t be upset if their child is gay, but wants to make sure the child knows they can talk to them about it?

For example - let’s say a parent is suspicious their daughter might be a lesbian - how should that parent let the child know it’s okay to “come out” to them without saying, “Come out to me!” - because - what if the parent is wrong?

A good way to avoid making your child feel pressured and possibly making a wrong assumption is to simply talk to them about sexuality the same way you should talk to them about sex: in an open, friendly, informative fashion in the hopes of educating them. I honestly don’t remember if my parents ever had the birds-’n-bees talk with me, but from what I understand it’s something many parents tackle by taking their kids out for a burger, ice cream, or some other enjoyable and distracting food/activity in order to ease an uncomfortable conversation.

Talk to them about the differences in sexuality; teach them that not everyone is exactly the same, and that not only is it socially acceptable, it’s normal. Even if your child is straight despite your suspicions, you’ll be doing them a good turn by teaching them at an early age to keep an open mind and accept others.

The critical thing is to make sure that your child knows that you are aware of teenage sexuality issues without outright asking them about their sexuality - and most importantly, make sure that your child knows that you’re open to discussion and accepting of anything that they might say. You can tell them that they can ask you if they have any questions without ever actually questioning their sexuality; phrase it in the context of asking about friends, or any neutral way that you’d like.

It’s key not to put pressure on them about it; even if they get the idea that you’d be completely cool with them being gay, straight, bi, tri, or anything else you can think of, at first they’re going to be a bit skittish about talking to you about this. You’re a parental unit. No kid wants to talk about sex with a parental unit. Hell, I’m bloody 27 and I still only talk about sex with my mother to get her to change the subject and stop asking me uncomfortably pointed questions.

It’s also important to set an everyday example, even when you aren’t having “The Talk” with your kids. More than a one-time talk, your words and actions in everyday life will make apparent your stance towards GBLTQ issues, whether you’re discussing the latest fluff over gay marriage in the news or having a gay or lesbian friend over for lunch without feeling the need to shelter your kids from the discussion if they happen to be in earshot and it turns to the topic of a same-sex partner (as long as it’s not too risque for their PG-13 ears, of course). You don’t have to go out of your way, like suddenly taking it upon yourself to host a Gay and Lesbian Benefit in your living room (unless you really want to…), but by not avoiding those topics in daily life you can lead by example and let your children grow comfortable with the concrete idea of their parent as a tolerant and accepting person.

This is an issue where you’ll have to trust your child to come to you - but there’s a lot you can do to pave the way to make the journey easier for them.

coming out, teenage sexuality, parenting, parenting gay kids, gay and lesbian, gay children, lesbian children, gay teenagers, lesbian teenagers, talking to your kids, tolerance, sex and sexuality, homosexuality

It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for me to skip out and go home earl–

–er, I mean…time for another Ask Adri question. Let’s see what I’ve got lying around the mailbag today:

Dear Adri

I am almost 100 percent sure that my son is gay but I really want him to be normal. If he is gay kids will pick on him and I dont want to be in the position of telling our extended family. Is it too late to stop him forom being gay? Can you tell me how to do this? He is a really good kid just gay.

Wait, you want me to do what now?

Oh, sweetie, me an’ you are gonna have words.

Okay, I’m not even going to get into questioning why you’re so certain your son is gay. Considering your phrasing of “gay” vs. “normal”, your reasoning is probably something as asinine as the fact that he complimented someone’s shoes one day or is overtly concerned about his appearance.

Let’s assume - as much as it makes me twitch to even write these words - that you’re right, and your son is gay. Who on earth gave you the idiotic idea that it’s some kind of slow progression that can be staved off if you just do the right thing at the right moment and divert him down the yellow brick road of heterosexuality? There’s no damned magic wand or voodoo ritual that’s going to make your son straight.

If he’s gay then he’s gay, and you had better damned well deal with it because trying to change that is downright cruel. Don’t even think about sending him to one of those ex-gay missions that “cures” homosexuality, by the way. Those places frighten me and your child will never be the same person again; even if he returns convinced that he’s straight, his personality will most likely have altered for the worse (and in creepy ways) and he’ll probably be scarred for life.

Jay-zus, what kind of stupid are they feeding you people with your breakfast cereal lately? I know it can be a difficult thing to accept when you think your child may be a little different from the other kids, in a way that isn’t always socially acceptable. If you need a little time to come to grips with this, that’s understandable. But don’t try to change reality just to suit you, and don’t try to change your son into something that he’s not just because you might be a little socially uncomfortable because the neighbors and his Aunt Schnookie might know you’re that parent with a gay son. You have no right to act like your son’s sexuality is something to be ashamed of. That would be like me being embarrassed that my baby brother is straight. Get. Over. It.

Your son needs you because you’re right: if he is gay and starts to be more open about it, other kids are going to pick on him. He may lose some friends, and gain new ones. He may be a target for bullies, and will endure anything from cruel slurs to violent attacks. He’s probably also confused and a little frightened, as he’d have to be even more oblivious than most teenagers not to know what it means to be gay in today’s social climate.

A parent’s understanding would go a long way. You need to be his succor - his shelter. Not his judge, jury, and executioner. Do you have any idea how hurtful it’s going to be when you tell him you want to convert him and turn him straight? If he’s such a good kid, why is he suddenly not good enough for you simply because he might be gay? You’re being selfish. I sincerely doubt that this has anything to do with his best interests, and more to do with your discomfort with the idea.

Be a good parent. Love your son. Stop being a douche.

I’d say I’m sorry for being so harsh but frankly, I’m not. It sounds like you need a good smack upside the head to make you step back and realize exactly what you’re proposing and just how wrong it is.

Get your head out of your bum and recognize that your son is still the same boy that you love regardless of whom he chooses to love. If you want to punish him for something, punish him for not doing his homework, for skipping his chores to play the latest Grand Theft Auto game, or for going to a party and getting drunk. Punish him (and get him into therapy) when he decides he’s in love with a horse, not when he decides he’s in love with another boy.

Don’t punish him for daring to be who he is.

B*tch-smackingly yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

P.S. It scares me a little that I can understand the opposing rationale here. Free speech is free speech, even if I don’t particularly like what’s being said; I would be much more content if the clergy would stop raining down threats of fire and brimstone on anyone who isn’t straight as an arrow, but it is their inalienable right to say those things just as it’s my inalienable right to say that I don’t bloody well think so. I’d never want to silence them save for through persuasive argument.

But I think vetoing the bill under those concerns is a bit excessive, because it also vetoes any protection that the GBLTQ community might have where the inclusion of acts of violence targeted due to sexuality and gender identity is concerned. If the bill’s language still allows for freedom of speech while still allowing anti-gay hate crimes to be included in current hate crime legislation and prosecuted as such, then why veto it?

Wait…this is President Bush we’re talking about.

…nevermind.

ask adri, gay teens, gay son, coming out, questioning parents, ex-gay, ranting, hr 1592, president bush, veto, hate crimes bill

[yawns, stretches] All right, so I skipped the P&O Weekend Edition this past weekend, and you got stuck with that lovely article on sexual hygiene for a few extra days. My apologies, but when you work three jobs plus editing a novel on the side and spend most of your time high on caffeine while somehow managing a lovely combination of “deadpan” and “perpetually pissed off” (it’s all the rage this season, what all the boys are wearing), sometimes you’ve got to take a weekend for a little downtime.

So pass the coffee, happy Monday, and if you can trust me to give advice before the French roast kicks in, let’s do this sh…stuff.

Dear Adri,

I have loads of photos of women on my computer and sometimes fantasise about being with one but I don’t like any in real life. Do you think I might be lesbian or maybe bi?

Signed,
Questioning teenager

Um.

…….

Okay then.

My first thought when I read this was, “this is someone’s kid, they’re underaged - I can’t give them advice about their sexual fantasies!” I’ve had a few more bracing gulps of the triple-black Doom Coffee now, though, and I think I can handle this.

The answer is no, those things don’t automatically mean that you’re a lesbian, or bisexual. They don’t mean that you aren’t, either.

Right now you’re a walking pile of seething, awakening hormones and anything involving sex with a male, a female, or possibly even an inanimate object is going to turn you on. The teenage years are a confusing time to try to define your sexuality, and while some can say “Yes, I know I’m gay/lesbian/born in the wrong gender’s body” in high school or earlier, for the most part it’s quite difficult to make that determination when your hormones are scrambling your brain to hell and back.

Plenty of people who later in life grow quite certain of their heterosexuality still experiment in their teenage years, even as far into college. Women are statistically known to be more prone to same-sex experimentation than men, and yet despite kissing a few dozen girls, will often decide “Nah, I’m straight” and settle into heterosexual life without feeling a single spark of interest towards another woman for the rest of their lives.

For many others, though, those moments of experimentation are the defining points of their lives: the moment when they realize that they’re happy with women alone, or equally content with both women and men. I don’t advise that you run about shagging a small test population of both genders to find out; if there aren’t any girls that you’re interested in, odds are that your fantasies are just that: fantasies that wouldn’t reflect well in reality.

Then again, it could be that there’s no one around you on a regular basis who happens to be your type - and if you do meet a girl that you’re into, and she returns your interest and and consents: don’t be afraid, or ashamed, to try things out. You’re confused now, and you’ll never know until you try. Don’t force anything; you’ll just make yourself and her miserable. But if you’re given the chance, and you really want to…don’t hold back. It’s all right to do a little experimentation while you get yourself sorted out, as long as you aren’t sleeping around indiscriminately and having unsafe sex. Kiss a girl or two. Try to avoid anything that qualifies as foreplay or beyond until you’re older.

Remember, though, that even if you never do anything…thoughts like yours are perfectly normal, and nothing to be worried about. They’re a natural part of adolescent development, and whichever way you end up leaning, it’s perfectly fine to just wonder sometimes. You don’t even have to call yourself straight, lesbian, or bisexual. You’re attracted to whomever you’re attracted to, regardless of their gender or yours.

That should be enough for anyone, and labels be damned.

Ambiguously yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

And for today’s P.S.: I don’t like Archbishop Bagnasco, obviously. I’d love to give him a good tongue-lashing simply because he’s got so much to say about just who I enjoy…er…lashing with my tongue. It’s not his business what I do in my bedroom, other than to grant me the same rights with a husband that I might have with a wife…but come on, people, this is going too far. A bullet in an envelope? Now you know one of us had something to do with that, because it’s got “drama queen” written all over it. Come on. You really think a bullet in an envelope is going to make him stop and think, “Now hey, those gays are some nice, upstanding people just like everyone else! I really should stop shooting off that sewer hose I call my mouth about them!”

Pfft.

Oh well. At least it’s nice to see one religious leader who’s managed to avoid coming down with rectal-cranial inversion.

ask adri, teenage sexuality, gay and questioning, lesbian fantasies, coming out, archbishop bagnasco, angelo bagnasco, gay marriage, gay rights, gay civil unions, reverend gene robinson, new hampshire

Good morning, and welcome back to the world of internet news and opinions, where the private lives of public figures become fodder for the sordid gossip mill. Case in point: guess who’s back in the news? Former NJ governor McGreevey and his wife, with two very different stances on a horse that’s been beaten to death an old and familiar issue:

McGreevy says wife knew he was gay - AP via Yahoo News

TRENTON, N.J. - The estranged wife of former New Jersey Gov. James E. McGreevey knew he was gay before they married, he claimed in court papers filed Monday.

McGreevey wrote that Dina Matos McGreevy “knew of my sexual orientation before our marriage, she chose to either ignore it or block it out of her mind, even when questioned by her friends.”

The former governor doesn’t detail how she knew he was gay, but objects to his wife’s contention in recent court papers that he is bisexual.

Uh…huh. Anyone else want to play “What’s wrong with these statements”? Talk about a marriage of convenience. It’s one thing to be closeted and to marry and try to live a heterosexual life out of a desire to meet some standard of apple-pie-perfect life; hundreds, maybe even thousands of gay men live with this every day, and while it’s not wholly right…it sure as hell isn’t telling the woman that you’re gay and then marrying her anyway. Why would anyone do that? For the sake of politics and appealing to the voters? Gods, I hope not.

Then again…if your ex-husband says he’s gay, don’t publicly argue that he’s bisexual, either. Yes, he managed to conceive a child with her, meaning he obviously engaged in heterosexual intercourse. Again: closeted gay men do it every day. It doesn’t mean he’s not gay. It means he did what he had to do, and she’s in denial. It’s a hard phase to go through after something like this, and she’d be understandably hurt and shocked, but she’s had enough time to move on and stop dragging this (and their poor child) through the mud:

Gay Ex-Gov’s Wife Fires Back - CBS News
Dina Matos McGreevey Says She Thought Their Marriage Was Solid, Had No Idea He Was Gay

[…] Matos McGreevey also wrote that she thought their marriage was solid — “The sex was good,” she writes — and had worries only about her husband’s secretive calls and visits to his first wife and daughter — until he summoned her to the governor’s mansion three days before he told the world he was gay.

Skipping over the rest of the claims made in the second article (that’s a lot of mud-slinging and too much drama even for a boy like me)…somethin’ ain’t addin’ up here.

Stylized and improper use of the English language aside, either she knew he was gay or she didn’t. Frankly to me both sides of the story stink; why would she marry him if he’d told her he was gay? But can her vicious backlash be believed when it paints a respected public figure as a vile demon while she’s a martyred victim - despite denials of the claims in her memoirs by several of the individuals involved? Dinah Matos McGreevy’s actions stink of vengeful bitterness more than they ring with revealed truth, and rather than rouse sympathy for her instead make me shake my head in pity and disgust. Not that I’m blindly taking the side of McGreevey himself; I doubt the man’s the honest saint he’s trying to pretend to be, and even if he did tell her that he was gay and then marry her…that’s a pretty jerky thing to do.

And in the middle of this is little Jacqueline. Her life is never going to be the same after this, and she’s never going to escape it. That’s the issue that really bothers me here. (Yes, I’m pulling out the tired old “but won’t you think of the children?!” argument here, and I don’t even like kids. At all. I just feel really bad for the poor little tyke.)

I want to blame her mother more for making this even more of a gory media spectacle than it had to be, but really, both parents need a swift slap upside the head. They should be spending less time concerned about their public images or about victory against each other and more time really worrying about the welfare of their child. Forget the tawdry stories and allegations unless you have actual proof, and work out the best way for both of them to remain in the child’s life so that she can still grow up loved, balanced, and stable…

…and not bitter from being used as a bargaining piece.

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Are you out and proud, or just out and loud? Being openly gay takes courage, confidence, and determination in a society currently divided by issues that revolve around the GBLTQ community, but even when you’re proud of your open stance it’s still possible to take things too far. Do you represent the gay community with class and sass, or is your behavior so obnoxious that we’ll just have to pass?

All right, I’ll leave the rhymes for those more talented with verse and address the real issue. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been to gay events and actually been embarrassed by the behavior of my cohorts - not because it was too “out there”, but because it was below the standards of decent public behavior that I’d expect out of anyone - gay, straight, bi, tri, whatever label you want to apply to yourself. Have we become so obsessed with saying “I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it” that we’ve forgotten how to act like mature, responsible human beings?

This issue comes up after Jamie’s comments to this post, wondering:

“My only question on the whole thing is why do some gays push the issue of being gay into everyones face? Its ranked right up there with the [Jehova’s witnesses] that knock on your door.”

If I were anyone else I might have been offended by that question, but after sitting back and thinking about it I have to concede that she has a point. While we should never, ever be ashamed of who we are and we should always be willing to have the courage to put ourselves out there to be publicly, unflinchingly gay…there’s a delicate balance between courage and diplomacy, and a hell of a balancing act to keep both measured out equally so that courage doesn’t tip the scale down too heavily to dip into the sinking waters of obnoxiousness.

It’s a very fine line to walk, and a very tricky issue to even discuss. On one hand, if we aren’t loud and visible, people will never acknowledge that we exist, that we deserve recognition, and that we are valid and functioning members of society. On the other hand, how are we ever to be accepted as normal - just as normal as heterosexuals - if we’re constantly proclaiming and demonstrating how different we are from everyone else, with deliberate emphasis on the difference and public behavior that ranges from tacky to downright indecent?

This Catch 22 situation is one that faces us all, and unfortunately there’s no strict guideline that tells us when it’s okay to be flagrantly, aggressively out there, and when it’s not. If I’m with a group of straight people discussing their spouses and significant others, I’m not going to hold back from saying “my boyfriend” in joining in the discussion (or I wouldn’t if I had one, but the search for Mr. Right is a whole other issue that we’ll talk about some other day); it’s perfectly acceptable in heterosexual society for someone to mention their mate offhand and for it to be accepted without even a blink, and so I feel that I should have the same right to do so and that they should be able to just take it in stride. If I’m out with a group of my straight friends and we’re getting into a raging political debate at 3 a.m. in that dingy all-hours coffee shop that I can’t for the life of me figure out why we’re so enamored of, I’m not going to say “they” deserve equal rights when the topic of gay marriage comes up. I’m going to say that we deserve equal rights. I won’t hide who I am.

But at the same time, if I’m hanging out with a friend’s family (or even with my family, though that’d be a joke), I’m not going to interrupt a discussion about the latest movies to say, “So which movie stars do you think are gay? Because I’m gay. I think more movie stars should come out of the closet.” Do you see the difference there? On one hand, there’s topical relevance. On the other hand, there’s forcing one’s sexuality into a conversation that really didn’t require it, and making people mildly uncomfortable just because you felt the need to spotlight your sexuality.

And really, their discomfort has nothing to do with the fact that you’re attracted to the same sex. It has to do with the fact that you’re interjecting your sexual preferences where they aren’t appropriate, and they’d be just as uncomfortable if a straight person did it. It’s just as much of a social faux paus if a straight person were to say, “My girlfriend likes it doggie style” in the middle of an informal meeting to plan the company picnic as it would be for a gay person to say the same about his boyfriend or her girlfriend.

Don’t be ashamed to be who you are, but understand that being openly gay doesn’t give you the right to flout all social conventions to the point of being rude and offending people not by your sexuality, but by your grossly unacceptable behavior. You’re not making a stand, and you’re not making a point. You’re making an arse out of yourself, and out of the rest of us.

And I don’t want you making me look bad. Have a little dignity and self-respect.

There is more to you than your sexuality. Even if all I talk about is GBLTQ issues here because of the topic of this blog, there’s more to me than my sexuality. I’m an aspiring novelist who likes writing at 3 a.m., when even this busy city is silent and it feels like everyone’s holding their breaths and waiting for magic. I love to go running before dawn. I’m the most painfully shy cocksure jerk you’ll ever meet. I love Peggy Lee and scenes set in smoky gangster-era lounges. My bedroom is strung up with silly electric versions of Chinese paper lanterns because I think they’re cute. I love the scent of vanilla, and I wish like hell that I could paint with traditional media although I can’t control a brush to save my life. I love cooking, but won’t eat anything with pork in it and can barely stand to touch chicken. I’m scared to death of of even harmless garden spiders but won’t even blink at a poisonous snake. My cat owns me with utter dominance. I’m addicted to Square-Enix’s Final Fantasy games, and they’re the reason I went to art school - to learn computer animation. I’d rather eat cereal dry out of the box than in a bowl with milk. I still love to watch Disney cartoons, but love even more to curl up in the dark and let a scary film frighten me silly.

Oh yeah. And sometimes, when I’m watching those scary films, I like to have a nice guy there to snuggle with and hold my hand during the truly cringe-worthy parts.

All of those random, silly, trivial facts…when people look at me, I want them to see all of those things. All of those things that make me who I am with my sexuality included as part of the whole, and not just a big label that says “gay, and constantly reminding you of it”.

Fight the good fight. But fight it with respect both for yourself, and for others. Later you can look back and be proud that not only were you not ashamed to be publicly gay, but you aren’t now ashamed of how you acted on it.

gay rights, coming out, openly gay, family issues, gay family, gay behavior