Pride & Opinions

Why Thursday’s Transgender Tales?

Because I like alliteration. Shut up. Don’t question my alliteration before I’ve had my coffee. I’ll scratch a ho, yo.

Uh. Yeah, okay, I’ve had a little caffeine, you can go back to ignoring my morning crankiness now and move on to the article.

Welcome to the first edition of Thursday’s Transgender Tales. If you missed what that was all about, check out Monday’s post. In the meantime, our first tale comes from Jack/Mary Jane:

Hello,

I came across your call for submissions and thought it would be nice to have a positive story to add to your collection.

I am a very blessed man. I am a transgendered male with a very loving and accepting wife and family. And it’s mostly been that way all of my life.

Probably one of the most touching moments of my life happened one christmas. It was the christmas after my parents fully understood what I was all about. I used to go by pseudonym Mary Jane Capri (out of fear, embarrassment, I’m not really sure) when I first allowed my cross dressing nature to become fully public.

I had visited my parents one christmas. The visit was the usual fun, happy time. When I started to get in my car to leave my dad hugged me (he always does) and said “Tell Mary Jane Merry Christmas.” I told him I would and left. I think it took me a less than a block of driving before I started to cry tears of joy. With that simple wish, my father ensured me that they loved me for who and what I was.

Since then I have had total confidence in myself - which enables me to wear the skirts and dresses I wear (no make up or wigs here.) That’s not to say it’s been a completely easy-going life. There have been issues at times but nothing I haven’t been able to endure…with the help and love of my family.

Thank you for letting me share.

I think I may have gotten a little confused in the terminology used there, but nonetheless, thanks for being the first to write in, Jack/MJ. And thanks for sharing that story of having such a wonderful family. I hope to hear from and share the stories of many others.

~Adri

Are you a MtF or FtM transgender/transsexual/transvestite/crossdresser, or considering/questioning? Want to share your story or motivational anecdote? E-mail your story to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Transgender Tales” or use the Contact Form to send your story in.

transgender tales, thursday transgender tales, transgender, transvestite, transsexual, crossdresser, crossdressing, mtf, ftm, m2f, f2m, male-to-female, female-to-male, gender identity, gender dysphoria, transition, transitioning, sex change

Yesterday I received an e-mail follow-up to the question of talking to your children about their sexuality, and thought it would make a perfect question for the Wednesday Ask Adri column.

Adri,

I really enjoyed your article, ‘Talking to your kids about their sexuality.’ I have a question tho - what if I want to talk to my kids about MY sexuality? I am married with a son (12) and a daughter (15). I love my husband very much but have always had strong feelings towards women.

About a year ago I realized that I could not be happy without exploring my feelings. I may be bisexual but I really have no interest in men and only married my husband because of family pressure and because I couldn’t help but love him. I love him even more because he loves me enough to understand that I need to explore and has let our relationship be open enough that I now have a girlfriend.

I care about my girlfriend very much but do not want to leave my husband. That is not the problem. We are going to stay together always. The problem is that my girlfriend is around the house a lot just as my friend and I do not want to have to hide her from my kids if shes going to be in my life. They really like her. I want to tell them that I am a lesbian but I love their father. How do I do this?

Thanks,
Jane in Austin

Well, Miss Jane, first I have to say: your husband amazes me and is far more understanding in this situation than most would be, since from the sounds of it this isn’t your standard polyamorous relationship and he’s not even getting to have any of the extra fun. If he’s got a gay brother or something somewhere, send him my way. I don’t necessarily need him to be cool with me exploring with other people - I’m very strictly monogamous - but that kind of patience in a man? You don’t pass that up if you know what’s good for you.

I’m very glad, for the sake of both you and your children, that he’s so supportive - because you’re going to need him there when you sit your kids down to have a talk about this. With children that age, the first thing they want to know about any new information from their parents is how it’s going to affect them and change their lives; with your husband there making it obvious that he’s a willing participant in this and that he isn’t going anywhere, you can quickly dispel any arising fears that Mommy’s going to leave Daddy for the Nice Lady and suddenly there’ll be planned weekend visitations.

As I said in regards to talking to them about their sexuality, you should also be frank and honest when talking to them about your sexuality - but try to do it in private rather than in a public place, as in this case I don’t think that hearing the news in the middle of the local Baskin Robbins is going to make them that much more comfortable with the topic. Before you speak to your children, make sure that you are confident enough in yourself and your choices that you don’t give the idea that you waited so long to tell them because you’re somehow ashamed or what you’re doing is wrong. Your children will follow your lead and if you don’t feel ashamed, they won’t either. If you don’t feel as if what you’re doing is wrong - and it really isn’t, as long as it’s between three mature, consenting adults and all are content with the arrangement - then they won’t.

However, if you try to cover things up or hedge around the details (non-sexual details, thank you), they’re going to pick up that you’re embarrassed and could quite easily become embarrassed by you if they think there’s a reason to be, without even fully understanding what that reason might be. Around that age the only thing that comes ahead of budding interest in the opposite (or same) sex in a teenager’s life is their social status, and if you act as if your arrangement is something to be ashamed of, they’ll immediately think that it’s something that could affect their social status and drop them right into the outcast pile the moment that it got out.

Make sure that they understand that this doesn’t change who you are, or how you love and care for them in any way. Point out that nothing has altered in their lives; only their knowledge of the situation has changed, and so this isn’t going to affect their day-to-day lives at all.

Be prepared for them to be angry; they have a right to be. Again, it’s not that you did anything wrong; anger is simply a common reaction, especially in children that age, to things that are startling and confusing. You may have to step back, give them their time to be angry, and give them time to settle down and realize that you’re still Mom and that’s never going to go away. There may be some backlash; it’s okay to accept it within reasonable levels, but of course if it gets out of hand, remind your children that you understand their confusion and frustration, but you are their parental authority figure and they’re crossing the lines of behavior that you accept out of them for any reason.

Don’t forget to talk to them about sexuality in general, if you haven’t already. Explain to them that being a lesbian, being gay, being bisexual, being transgendered…all aspects of sexuality are just as normal as heterosexuality, and people of all sexual orientation conceive or adopt every day and are happy, well-adjusted parents who care deeply for their children.

Most importantly, try to talk to them about this issue as equals. Let them see that you’re telling them this not because you’re forcing something new into their lives and they have to accept it because you keep a roof over their heads…but because you love them and respect them enough that you want to be honest with them and keep them informed. Try not to take the usual parental tone of “this is what I say and my word is law”; instead discuss things with them, and make sure they know that you’re open to any questions they might ask. (Though you may want to smooth over some things on the topic of your sex life. There are some things kids just don’t need to know about what their parents do in the bedroom.) You have to keep avenues of communication open between you even if they storm off in an angry huff (and one, if not both of them, probably will). It’s going to hurt to have your children looking at you as if you’re a strange new creature for a while, and one they’re not wholly sure they like. Just make sure they know that you’re still there, you’re still Mom…and after they’ve had a little time to settle down and accept, they’ll come drifting back.

During that adjustment period you may want to ask your girlfriend to not be around the house as often, because they may view her oddly or lash out at her. It’s both for her own sake and theirs, as before they can adjust to her new role they need time to adjust to yours. Once they’re comfortable with you, then they can more easily accept her as “Mom’s girlfriend”.

This is not going to be an easy talk to have, and you’re going to need to brace yourself and brace your husband. Good luck to the both of you. Do your best to support each other, and support your children. I hope you come out on the other side of this rather rocky issue smiling and with clear skies ahead of you.

Optimistically (creepily so) yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

coming out, parenting, gay parents, lesbian parents, polyamory, polyamorous relationships, gay and lesbian, parenting teenagers, talking to your kids, tolerance, sex and sexuality, homosexuality

I was going to save this piece for later, but since Kim asked about it in the comments to this entry, I thought I’d bump it up the timeline a bit. Her question:

I have a follow-up - or maybe a different question for a similar situation. I’m curious if you would have any advice for the parent who wouldn’t be upset if their child is gay, but wants to make sure the child knows they can talk to them about it?

For example - let’s say a parent is suspicious their daughter might be a lesbian - how should that parent let the child know it’s okay to “come out� to them without saying, “Come out to me!� - because - what if the parent is wrong?

A good way to avoid making your child feel pressured and possibly making a wrong assumption is to simply talk to them about sexuality the same way you should talk to them about sex: in an open, friendly, informative fashion in the hopes of educating them. I honestly don’t remember if my parents ever had the birds-’n-bees talk with me, but from what I understand it’s something many parents tackle by taking their kids out for a burger, ice cream, or some other enjoyable and distracting food/activity in order to ease an uncomfortable conversation.

Talk to them about the differences in sexuality; teach them that not everyone is exactly the same, and that not only is it socially acceptable, it’s normal. Even if your child is straight despite your suspicions, you’ll be doing them a good turn by teaching them at an early age to keep an open mind and accept others.

The critical thing is to make sure that your child knows that you are aware of teenage sexuality issues without outright asking them about their sexuality - and most importantly, make sure that your child knows that you’re open to discussion and accepting of anything that they might say. You can tell them that they can ask you if they have any questions without ever actually questioning their sexuality; phrase it in the context of asking about friends, or any neutral way that you’d like.

It’s key not to put pressure on them about it; even if they get the idea that you’d be completely cool with them being gay, straight, bi, tri, or anything else you can think of, at first they’re going to be a bit skittish about talking to you about this. You’re a parental unit. No kid wants to talk about sex with a parental unit. Hell, I’m bloody 27 and I still only talk about sex with my mother to get her to change the subject and stop asking me uncomfortably pointed questions.

It’s also important to set an everyday example, even when you aren’t having “The Talk” with your kids. More than a one-time talk, your words and actions in everyday life will make apparent your stance towards GBLTQ issues, whether you’re discussing the latest fluff over gay marriage in the news or having a gay or lesbian friend over for lunch without feeling the need to shelter your kids from the discussion if they happen to be in earshot and it turns to the topic of a same-sex partner (as long as it’s not too risque for their PG-13 ears, of course). You don’t have to go out of your way, like suddenly taking it upon yourself to host a Gay and Lesbian Benefit in your living room (unless you really want to…), but by not avoiding those topics in daily life you can lead by example and let your children grow comfortable with the concrete idea of their parent as a tolerant and accepting person.

This is an issue where you’ll have to trust your child to come to you - but there’s a lot you can do to pave the way to make the journey easier for them.

coming out, teenage sexuality, parenting, parenting gay kids, gay and lesbian, gay children, lesbian children, gay teenagers, lesbian teenagers, talking to your kids, tolerance, sex and sexuality, homosexuality

It’s no secret that gay men know drama better than HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime combined into one sleazy, sordid 24/7 drama fest. Thankfully not all of us fit that stereotype, or we’d probably have exterminated ourselves in the catfight of the century. But we’ve all known that guy: the drama queen. The unrepentant diva. The two-snaps-up sistah with an attitude for whom it’s his way or no way at all, and woe to any who may cross his divinely fabulous will.

Oh, yes - we all know him. (His name is Elton John - just kidding.) Even worse, we’ve all probably dated him.

…or been him. [insert guilty cough here]

Drama can’t always be avoided, no matter how laid-back you are; sometimes it just comes knocking, and you can’t hide. And sometimes anyone’s boyfriend can be a bit of a lovable diva; everyone’s got their quirks, and you just learn to live with them. (Me? I’m a total brat. Ask any man I’ve dated. Don’t ask me why they put up with it anyway.) But if your boy toy’s milkshake is bringing more than the boys to the yard, you may want to step back, take an objective look, and ask yourself if you’re dating an incurable drama queen…and if he’s worth that permanently throbbing vein in your temple.

Signs That You’re Dating a Drama Queen:

 
Sound familiar? That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Let’s face it, no one’s perfect. You may be dating an incurable drama queen, but if you don’t mind it, more power to you. Were you wincing at the familiarity while reading this, or smiling and shaking your head fondly? If the latter, you’re lucky. You’re a more patient man than I.

If the former…you may want to invest in a little blood pressure medication. Or a passport to a foreign country.

Are you dating or have you dated a drama queen? Have a few stories to tell or a few more signs to watch for? Pull up a chair and dish out the dirt, baby. You know we’re all just aching to hear.

drama queen, diva, gay relationships, boyfriends, catty men

[yawns, stretches] All right, so I skipped the P&O Weekend Edition this past weekend, and you got stuck with that lovely article on sexual hygiene for a few extra days. My apologies, but when you work three jobs plus editing a novel on the side and spend most of your time high on caffeine while somehow managing a lovely combination of “deadpan” and “perpetually pissed off” (it’s all the rage this season, what all the boys are wearing), sometimes you’ve got to take a weekend for a little downtime.

So pass the coffee, happy Monday, and if you can trust me to give advice before the French roast kicks in, let’s do this sh…stuff.

Dear Adri,

I have loads of photos of women on my computer and sometimes fantasise about being with one but I don’t like any in real life. Do you think I might be lesbian or maybe bi?

Signed,
Questioning teenager

Um.

…….

Okay then.

My first thought when I read this was, “this is someone’s kid, they’re underaged - I can’t give them advice about their sexual fantasies!” I’ve had a few more bracing gulps of the triple-black Doom Coffee now, though, and I think I can handle this.

The answer is no, those things don’t automatically mean that you’re a lesbian, or bisexual. They don’t mean that you aren’t, either.

Right now you’re a walking pile of seething, awakening hormones and anything involving sex with a male, a female, or possibly even an inanimate object is going to turn you on. The teenage years are a confusing time to try to define your sexuality, and while some can say “Yes, I know I’m gay/lesbian/born in the wrong gender’s body” in high school or earlier, for the most part it’s quite difficult to make that determination when your hormones are scrambling your brain to hell and back.

Plenty of people who later in life grow quite certain of their heterosexuality still experiment in their teenage years, even as far into college. Women are statistically known to be more prone to same-sex experimentation than men, and yet despite kissing a few dozen girls, will often decide “Nah, I’m straight” and settle into heterosexual life without feeling a single spark of interest towards another woman for the rest of their lives.

For many others, though, those moments of experimentation are the defining points of their lives: the moment when they realize that they’re happy with women alone, or equally content with both women and men. I don’t advise that you run about shagging a small test population of both genders to find out; if there aren’t any girls that you’re interested in, odds are that your fantasies are just that: fantasies that wouldn’t reflect well in reality.

Then again, it could be that there’s no one around you on a regular basis who happens to be your type - and if you do meet a girl that you’re into, and she returns your interest and and consents: don’t be afraid, or ashamed, to try things out. You’re confused now, and you’ll never know until you try. Don’t force anything; you’ll just make yourself and her miserable. But if you’re given the chance, and you really want to…don’t hold back. It’s all right to do a little experimentation while you get yourself sorted out, as long as you aren’t sleeping around indiscriminately and having unsafe sex. Kiss a girl or two. Try to avoid anything that qualifies as foreplay or beyond until you’re older.

Remember, though, that even if you never do anything…thoughts like yours are perfectly normal, and nothing to be worried about. They’re a natural part of adolescent development, and whichever way you end up leaning, it’s perfectly fine to just wonder sometimes. You don’t even have to call yourself straight, lesbian, or bisexual. You’re attracted to whomever you’re attracted to, regardless of their gender or yours.

That should be enough for anyone, and labels be damned.

Ambiguously yours,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

And for today’s P.S.: I don’t like Archbishop Bagnasco, obviously. I’d love to give him a good tongue-lashing simply because he’s got so much to say about just who I enjoy…er…lashing with my tongue. It’s not his business what I do in my bedroom, other than to grant me the same rights with a husband that I might have with a wife…but come on, people, this is going too far. A bullet in an envelope? Now you know one of us had something to do with that, because it’s got “drama queen” written all over it. Come on. You really think a bullet in an envelope is going to make him stop and think, “Now hey, those gays are some nice, upstanding people just like everyone else! I really should stop shooting off that sewer hose I call my mouth about them!”

Pfft.

Oh well. At least it’s nice to see one religious leader who’s managed to avoid coming down with rectal-cranial inversion.

ask adri, teenage sexuality, gay and questioning, lesbian fantasies, coming out, archbishop bagnasco, angelo bagnasco, gay marriage, gay rights, gay civil unions, reverend gene robinson, new hampshire

We’re skipping the Friday Ask Adri column today, because I’d like to discuss something else. It’s something a little twitchy, something best left unspoken in polite company, and something that I’m going to address anyway, thank you very much:

Rimming, also known as anilingus.

If you stop reading now, I won’t blame you. This is a sensitive topic for various reasons and you know, some people just don’t want to see certain aspects of sex discussed openly, gay or otherwise. Walk on, kiddos, and check back later when the P&O Weekend Edition has pushed this post a little further down the page.

For those of you still around, whether out of interest or a bad case of train-wreck syndrome: this actually came up in conversation at about two o’clock this morning, talking about sex and relationships with a friend over some nasty but bracing coffee at the House of Pies down the street from my place. We were talking about exes, a topic that we’ve both had plenty of fodder for since we both recently broke up with our long-term boyfriends and I’ve had an older ex-boyfriend reappear out of the blue to send my emotional radar spiraling wildly out of control.

Naturally, when comparing exes, we’re going to talk about what he was like in bed. You know you do it, too; don’t look at me that way. I’m serious. I can purse up my lips and give you disapproving looks right back, and probably do it better than you can. Don’t mess with a boy when he’s feeling catty.

Aaaaanyway. As my friend was detailing his sexual exploits, he ended a particularly sordid tale with, “…and he always wanted me to - you know!”

“I know? I’m sorry, did this craptacular coffee make me clairvoyant and I missed the memo?”

“…you know. With my tongue. There.”

“Oh? OH. …………ewwwwwww.”

Despite what you may have come to believe about gay sex from watching porn (and then swearing you got it for “a friend”), rimming does not take place every time two men engage in intercourse with one another. Let’s face it, sex for any gender and any sexuality is a tricky thing when nature designed us with the playground and the sewers so firmly entrenched next to one another. Sanitation is always an issue, but it’s an especially sensitive one for gay men.

We might as well be blunt: we like to put things into a place that things normally come out of. In particular, things that the majority of us don’t particularly want to come in contact with. No matter how clean your partner keeps his nether regions, the anus is still a scary place…and honestly, it frightens me just how many of my past sexual partners have been willing to slide their tongues around there without even insisting on a good cleaning first.

Am I the only gay man grossed out by this? (All right, I know I’m not, my friend is as well…but we seem to be a small minority.) A penis can be protected by a condom, a finger by a latex glove, but I can’t exactly see someone sticking their tongue into a ziplock bag before they go diving in for a little lick. Frankly, I don’t want that in my mouth, and I don’t want it done to me; whatever pleasure might be derived from it is wholly overridden by the fact that I’m completely disgusted by the idea.

And yet past partners have actually been both surprised and insulted that not only did I not want it done to me, but I wasn’t willing to do it to them, either. I am by no means a prude; if you want to be adventurous in bed I’m your man, but asking me to have a nibble at the backdoor is where I draw the line. This doesn’t just involve the personal squick-factor. This is a matter of personal health and safety. Any number of bacteria and other offensive particles can be found in the anus, and I find it hard to think sexy when I think of licking a big steaming plate of e. coli. It’s bad enough that syphilis rates among gay and bisexual men are on the rise; do we really want to voluntarily risk our health any more?

There’s sexy and then there’s unsanitary, and I refuse to cross the line no matter how many times I’ve been pressured on it. What I wonder is how many men rim even when they’re bothered by the sanitation factor, for whatever reason - because they feel they have to to please a partner, because they think they might lose someone if they don’t, or because it’s considered common and therefore they think they shouldn’t have a problem with it. Hell, I even wonder if I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe it’s not so bad and I’m just being fussy and frigid.

Or maybe not.

So I’m asking you to weigh in - and not just the boys, either. Everyone. What do you think? Will you, or won’t you? Would you do it because you wanted to, or because you felt obligated? Have you felt pressure to do it in the past, or feel pressure to do it now?

Where do you stand on the matter of sexy vs. unsanitary?

Hygienically yours,
~Adri

P.S. In case you weren’t paying attention to the news yesterday, by the way: way to go, New Hampshire, and shame on you, Indianapolis.

rimming, anilingus, oral sex, anal sex, oral-to-anal, gay sex, gay sex and sexuality, e. coli, safe sex, unsafe sex, unsanitary sex, sexual boundaries, sexual limits, sexual practices, homosexuality, new hampshire, gay unions, gay civil unions, indiana, indianapolis, vandalism, billboard vandalism, homophobic vandalism

Since the other day’s poll on dating transgendered individuals turned into such a hot topic, I decided to keep with the theme and pull out this little gem from the mail bag for today’s Ask Adri column:

Dear Adri

Im 32M married two kids. I love my wife but i think about wearing her clothes a lot and being a woman. Ive been thinking about this a long time and sometimes I cd but its not enough. Its not just a sex kink. I think I wantto go all the way but I dont want to lose my wife and kids if I become a woman. I dont know what to do. Advice plz?

Thx
Curious2BFem

…man, am I glad I bought a new coffee pot before tackling this one.

All right, Curious. The first thing that I want to tell you is that you’re not alone in this. Many transwomen and transmen don’t come to the realization that they’ve had the need to transition to their chosen gender until after they’ve settled into what some consider a “normal” life as someone’s husband or wife, father or mother. It’s often a result of pressure to follow a preset path, rather than deviating to explore the path of understanding one’s own identity to be happy. To offer encouragement, many transwomen and transmen have supportive spouses and children who stay with them and continue to love them through the difficult struggle of transition and the change in life that comes afterwards. To be realistic, though, things like this can break a family apart. It’s unfortunate, it shouldn’t happen, but that’s life. Where you fall in the spectrum remains to be seen.

Before you think about doing anything, make sure you’re well-educated on what you intend to do. There are many websites (T-Vox.org, TSRoadmap.com, GenderTalk, you’ll find many others via Google) with resources for people thinking about transitioning, already in the process, or well settled into transitioned life.

Transition is a process that can seem both glamorous and terrifying; you’re proposing making a great deal of mostly permanent changes to your body, which either cannot be reversed or can only be reversed with expensive surgery when you’ve already spent a bomb on the initial surgery. Even if you only take hormones without any surgical options, that’s going to cause changes in your body chemistry resulting in adjustments to your physiology and the almost certain growth of breasts that aren’t going to magically melt away if you stop the injections. This isn’t a decision that you can make lightly, or even in a short period of time. You may take the first step towards transition fully intending to do everything possible to make yourself over into a transwoman, and then change your mind along the way about how far you want to go. That’s all right. Take it one step at a time and before you do anything, consult your physician about the effects that this will have on your health.

You know who else you may want to consult? Your wife. Talk to her, and listen to her; she may be angry or upset at first, but try not to get angry in return. Your best bet is to calmly, quietly explain to her how you feel, why, and what you’d like to do. Don’t lay down any ultimatums; you may make her feel cornered in the surprise of the moment, and cause an impulse reaction. If transition is something that you absolutely can’t live without, you are going to have to make her understand that, but ease her into it…and try to be willing to compromise where you can, or take things at a slower pace while she adjusts to the fact that her husband wants to become her wife and she’ll be moving from a heterosexual marriage into what is essentially a lesbian one.

It sounds as if your family is very important to you; if you love them and they love you they’ll often stick by you through just about anything, but that requires patience and communication on both sides. They may be angry at first; try to allow them that, if you can. Anger is a natural reaction when faced with something surprising and confusing, often knee-jerk and causing them to say things they don’t really think or feel. It will pass with patience and understanding, and if you’re willing to talk them down from it rather than shout it out, you’ll find them much more open and willing to accept what you have to say after the initial shock fades.

Understand that while you may be doing this for yourself, it is going to have an effect on your family outside the home and you need to consider that responsibly. If you begin to publicly transition, it will reflect on how people act towards you, your wife, and your children in social environments; some reactions will be awkward but polite, some encouraging, and some downright hostile. I’m not telling you this to discourage you; I’m telling you to prepare you, and so that you can prepare them if they decide to hang on with you through thick and thin. I’m hoping that they do. You’ll be in for many trials, and you’ll need each other to stand against them.

Give them as much information and support as you can; educate them as you educated yourself, so that you’re all standing on even footing. You may want to direct them towards organizations such as PFlag, as sometimes it helps to speak to others with transgendered family members to understand their experiences.

Remember that you’ll also be dealing with your extended family, both by blood and by marriage, and that they may have to be eased into this. There’s also a matter of name changes (should you choose to) and, depending on how far you go, asking a court to grant legal recognition of your new gender status once you’ve met certain requirements. Be prepared to spend quite a bit of money; the court costs will be the least of it. I won’t say it “might” be costly. It will be costly. Often it’s money and little else that stops people from following the transitional path of their choosing.

Once you educate yourself a bit more and come to a decision as to what to do: assuming that decision is to go full-steam-ahead with transition, try to find your nearest reputable GBLTQ clinic, or at least one known to be friendly. Google can again help you with this, and I’d recommend finding a TG/TS/TV group on Yahoo Groups or another social network, as you’ll find many supportive people there with a few inside tips on local resources. You’ll need a physical, blood tests, a prescription, the fortitude to stick yourself with a huge honkin’ needle (I’ve watched one of my MtF friends do it and it still makes me shudder), and most likely a therapist. Sometimes the therapist comes before the prescription, sometimes the other way around; it’s less a chicken/egg issue and more a matter of what your physician requires. Some will administer a prescription for estrogen after having a talk with you and determining that you understand what you’re undertaking and accept full responsibility for it; others require that you seek counseling with someone experienced with issues regarding gender identity.

Regardless of if your physician requires it or not, I’d recommend finding a trans-friendly therapist. You’re going to go through a number of ups and downs, from the novelty and joy of discovery and new experiences to the disappointments of dealing with some less-than-pleasant reactions to your choice…and if you take estrogen that’s going to affect your moods as well as you go through hormone cycles and your body chemistry shifts. You’ll need an experienced guiding hand to help hold you together so you come sailing through in one piece.

If you do go through with it, good luck, and I hope that things work out well for both you and your family. You’ll face a great deal of difficulty and social stigma, and criticism both from without the GBLTQ community and, unfortunately, from within. Remember that no matter how far you choose to go and whatever surgical or hormonal options you do or do not choose…no one can tell you how much of a woman you are except for you. Do as much as you need to make yourself happy, and don’t force anything excessive to meet another’s standards of what makes a “real” transwoman. Even if you wholly disdain hormones and surgery but adopt a female identity through crossdressing and shift of behavior/role, you’re as much of a woman as you need to be, as long as you’re happy.

“You go, girl” as a few people stuck in the 90s are wont to say,
~Adri

Have a question you’d like to see answered on Ask Adri? E-mail your question to adrien-luc.sanders@451press.net with the subject “Ask Adri Question” or use the Contact Form to send your question in.

relationships, ftm, mtf, male-to-female, female-to-male, transgender, transsexual, gay transgender, lesbian transgender, transgender marriages, cross-dressing, gbltq, transition, sex change, gender reassignment